September Storm Relay Story Part 11 First part

Thank you again to everyone who made this fundraiser so successful! We’ve raised nearly $1100 alone from the tag-a-long story alone. We still need to add up the cameos and the other fundraiser offers to get a grand total. This post is from L.L. Diamond and will be followed by the next bit from Abigail Reynolds. The last post will tie it all up.  We hope you enjoy it!

Don’t forget that the Bahamas will need help for some time! If you haven’t already donated, please donate to Americares here.

Read part 10 here. Now, on with the show!

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A masculine scream rattled Longbourn’s walls and Mr. Bennet’s amusement vanished as he gave a dramatic groan. “Not again! Does no one sleep when they are a guest in someone’s home?”

He gestured for everyone assembled to follow. “If you will all follow me, I do not intend to let one of you out of my sight until we have sorted out this imbroglio.”

Jane and Mr. Bingley poked their heads out of the drawing room. “What was that?” said Mr. Bingley.

Mr. Bennet waved them along. “You had best join us. I would prefer we all stay together as I cannot seem to trust any of you.”

As they reached the corridor, a loud banging came from the direction of the library. “I said no, and I meant it!”

Mr. Bennet threw open the door, making his youngest daughter jump from Colonel Fitzwilliam, who covered his chest with one arm and his opposite hand protecting what lay between his legs. “What in all that is holy?” he cried.

The colonel’s one arm flew out and pointed at Lydia. “It was her! I came in search of a quiet place to sleep. She . . . Well, I do not know what she did, but I assure you I was quite violated!”

Lydia grinned like the cat who got the cream until she became distracted. “Oh, Mr. Bingley, do you enjoy wearing ladies’ clothing like my dear Wickham? Of course, he prefers to wear my stays—”

“Enough!” Mr. Bennet’s bushy eyebrows were raised to his nearly bald head as he held his hands out over his head. “It was against my better judgement when I allowed you to return home from Newcastle for a time, but I allowed your mother to pester me into submission. After tonight, you will return to your husband after breakfast.”

“La, Papa. He is not in Newcastle,” she said with a giggle.

Mr. Bennet pinched the bridge of his nose. “Pray, where is your husband, then?”

“As I was saying, Mr. Wickham enjoyed my gowns. He would put them on and dance with Mr. Denny like they were at a ball. It was ever so amusing to watch.”

“What has this to do with where your husband is at present?” said Mr. Bennet.

Lydia huffed and put her hands on her hips. “If you will let me, I am trying to tell you.” She took an exasperated breath. “He and Mr. Denny left. They sailed to the Americas together. Something about New York and  Mr. Wickham making ladies’ underclothes.”

“That is impossible!” said the colonel. “Mr. Wickham fathered children near Pemberley!”

Lydia giggled and rolled her eyes. “Mr. Wickham had ever so many lady friends, but he never enjoyed their favours. It was Mr. Denny who always claimed my Wickham had affairs with ladies of the neighbourhood–the baker’s daughter, the colonel’s chambermaid. He never did.”

Mr. Bennet stared over his glasses at his youngest daughter. “So, your husband . . .”

“Has never given two whits about what I do.”

“That is not what I meant.”

She propped a hand on her hip in an exaggerated fashion. “My husband is no longer in the country. You may write the colonel if you do not believe me.”

Mr. Bennet peered around the room. Had the entire world gone insane? He could ask Lydia a million more questions, though he was certain had no desire to know the answers. When he saw Lady Catherine and Mr. Bingley, he grasped the chance to change the subject. “Well, what are we to do here?”

Before Lady Catherine could utter a word, Mr. Bingley jumped forward, his nightgown flowing around his legs. “Mr. Bennet, I wish to request the honor of Miss Bennet’s hand in marriage.”

One side of Mr. Bennet’s lips tugged upward.  “Now, I am in a quandary. You were caught in the same bedchamber as Lady Catherine, yet you still wear my daughter’s nightgown and the two of you were alone in the drawing room.” He looked to Jane over his spectacles. “Do you wish to marry this pouf, my dear?”

Jane’s teeth grazed her bottom lip as she took in Mr. Bingley’s appearance from head to toe. “Yes, Papa.”

Bingley nodded, and with a crooked grin, Mr. Bennet bowed perfunctorily to Lady Catherine.

“It seems Lady Catherine that the gentleman’s interests lie elsewhere. I do hope you can manage your disappointment. After all, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then. It is something to think of, and will give you a sort of distinction among your companions—particularly at your age.” His chuckle shook his shoulders while Lady Catherine gave an undignified screech, tearing from the room and stomping up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Jane took Mr. Bingley’s arm and leaned into his shoulder. “I hope you will not think me strange. I would dearly love for you to wear that again after we are wed.”

A huge grin spread upon the man’s face. “My angel’s wish is my command.”

Mr. Bennet coughed and spluttered until he regained himself. “Pray, there are some details a father need not know.” He pointed toward the door of his library. “I expect this to be the end of this commotion. Please return to your own rooms.” He frowned at Lydia, who made eyes at Colonel Fitzwilliam while he crossed his arms over his chest. “I expect this evening to never be spoken of again.”

When no one moved, he thrust his arm once again toward the door. “Get out!” As soon as the last of his guests disappeared, he sank into his favourite chair and began to laugh until tears fell from his eyes.

~ * ~

 

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14 comments

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    • J. W. Garrett on September 15, 2019 at 9:03 am
    • Reply

    🤣 I think I hurt myself laughing this morning. Thankfully, I wasn’t drinking anything or I would have been in serious trouble. That was hilarious. It was a NEW and unusual take on Wickham. 😂 I don’t think I’ve seen it before. [snicker] I want to say poor Mrs. Bennet as she [still] promotes her youngest… completely forgetting that she is a married woman… but I can’t find it in me to pity her. Our dear Colonel should run and run fast. Lydia is a loose cannon at best and with no filter… she is a disaster just waiting to happen. Mr. Bennet has certainly had an entertaining few days and night. He should be good for the year.

    Congratulations on the amount of this relief. Thanks to the many authors for all the laughter and the generosity in this relief campaign. Blessings to all who participated.

    1. I had so much fun with Lydia this morning. I couldn’t resist her looking at Bingley and making that comment. LOL! I’m glad you enjoyed it so much! Thank you!

    • Carole in Canada on September 15, 2019 at 9:29 am
    • Reply

    This has been great fun and I thank you for delighting us! I also thank all those you have contributed.
    Unlike J.W. who wasn’t drinking something, I was having my morning coffee and nearly lost it over my laptop! Never saw that coming with Wickham and Denny! Now that Jane has ‘caught’ Bingley and Elizabeth has ‘compromised’ Darcy, I think Mr. Bennet needs to ‘recover’. As for the Colonel, he better run and fast for Lydia is on the loose and nothing is out of bounds for her!

    1. I’m so glad the laptop was spared, though I love that I made you laugh. I don’t know where I came up with Wickham and Denny but I couldn’t resist it. I’m just glad the colonel was there! I started writing it and then read Abigail’s solution for D&E and realized I couldn’t have Darcy react. The colonel worked just as well. 😉 Thanks, Carole!

    • Mary on September 15, 2019 at 10:48 am
    • Reply

    What a fab ending to such a funny story.
    I don’t think I’ve ever seen this side of Wickham exposed before!!!
    Kudos to all involved in this story.

    1. LOL! Who knew about Wickham? Gives a new meaning to why he would try to elope with Georgiana. Thanks, Mary!

    • Joan on September 15, 2019 at 11:00 am
    • Reply

    Somehow I missed an excerpt but will find. I loved the ending! What made Mrs. Bennet think that Darcy would marry Lydia? Unbelievable!

    1. Mrs. Bennet is just silly. It was just such an absurd thing for her to say that I went for it. LOL! Thanks, Joan!

    • Megan on September 15, 2019 at 11:32 am
    • Reply

    I made the mistake of reading this during a review session at a conference – trying to stop from laughing out loud had been a challenge! This whole story as been a riot! And honestly I’d love to read more (the Jane/Bingley, Lizzy/Darcy wedding, Lady Catherine fleeing to find a new boy toy since Bingley refused, Denny and Wickham in America) this story is rife with more hilarity! Thanks ladies for sharing!!!

    1. Oh no! I’m glad you were able to hold it in. I guess I should’ve given a NSFW warning, though there’s nothing too bad. LOL! Thanks, Megan! I’m thrilled you enjoyed it so much!

  1. Absolutely hilarious, my friends!! I have never read a more delightfully ridiculous story ever–and all for an excellent cause!!

    Thank you, all of you authors who wrote such silliness to raise our spirits during this difficult time!!

    Who knew that a spice cake could function as a chaperone?? 😉

    Thank you all again!! Brava, ladies!! Brava!!!

    Warmly,
    Susanne 🙂

    1. Thanks, Susanne! It was definitely a hoot to write. I’m just glad everyone seemed to enjoy the ridiculousness as much as we did.

    • Sheila L. Majczan on September 16, 2019 at 10:38 am
    • Reply

    Very creative. No one has given Denny and Wickham that “ending” before. Lydia – loose cannon is correct! Poor colonel – not safe to go to sleep. Ugh! Can you imagine? Now what to do about Darcy and Elizabeth. Thanks for this part.

    1. LOL! It was an interesting way to end that part. We needed Wickham to be somewhere! Thanks, Sheila!

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