Mrs. Bennet Tells All, by Jack Caldwell

Greetings everyone. Jack Caldwell here.

One of the most enduring tropes in JAFF is the unfeeling, slightly cruel, and stupid Mrs. Bennet. Taking a bit from the novel and a lot from the P&P 1995 adaptation, there is a belief that Mrs. Bennet hates her second daughter and is ignorant about everything.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Remember, Mrs. Bennet disliked Mr. Darcy, a gentleman at least twice Mr. Bingley’s significance, because he snubbed her daughter Elizabeth. She holds on to this aversion until she learns Darcy has offered for her “least-understood” daughter. Does that sound like hate to you? Sure, she was angry with Elizabeth over her refusal of Mr. Collins, but that only lasted a week. Some cruelty.

The other idea—that Mrs. Bennet is stupid—is often demonstrated by the imagined “night before the wedding talk” that is so prevalent in this sort of literature. The age-old “lie back and think of England” instruction is so moldy it stinks to high heaven.

Below is a post I wrote years ago describing the probable way that conversation went:

The Birds and the Bees

Blurb: Mrs. Bennet imparts some interesting advice on the eve of the Bennet sisters’ double wedding. Read the following at your own risk; many JAFF truisms might be challenged. And consume no food or drink.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

~*~*~

“JANE, ELIZABETH—MY LOVES; I would have a word with you,” came the summons from Mrs. Bennet.

The two young ladies could not wonder over the reason for such a request, for in twelve hours each would leave Longbourn forever, and both had a fair idea of a mother’s duty at a time like this. One of the ladies was to remove the modest distance to Netherfield, the other to go far to the north to Pemberley—though not as far as Newcastle (poor Lydia)!

The two sisters entered their mother’s room.

“Dears, please sit. Oh, but I have much to tell you!” their mother cried.

Both did as they were bid. Jane was embarrassed over the blush that covered her cheeks; she was mortified over her contemplation of the nature of the conversation to come. Elizabeth’s one wish was to be anywhere but in this room; she had no doubts that whatever advice she would be offered by her mother would be of the worst kind.

Oh, but if only my Aunt Gardiner were here tonight rather than at an inn in Meryton! she thought.

“My dears, my dear sweet girls …” Mrs. Bennet began. She fluttered her handkerchief before her face as she began to pace about the room. Despite her apprehension, Elizabeth could not help but be amused at actions that seemed very like those of an otherwise excellent man from Derbyshire.

“Bless me! What thoughts; what fears must being going through you heads this night! Your—oh, my poor nerves—your last night as maidens!”

The two ladies blanched.

Mrs. Bennet seemed to get control of herself. “I have prepared you both well for your duties as mistresses of your respective husbands’ households. I have no fears for you there, Lizzy, as Mr. Darcy has a staff of a hundred servants with a housekeeper of long standing, I should not doubt! And Mr. Bingley too; his people seemed to know their business, though they could be more quiet!

“But, my loves, your most important duty is … is … producing an heir! Oh yes! For it is a truth universally acknowledged that a young gentleman of fortune must be wanting of an heir!”

Elizabeth shut her eyes. I believe I will be ill now…

“You have … observed … the livestock …? Need I say more of … the mechanics?”

Both sisters shook their heads violently. Would this interview never end?

“Good—that is well. But, my loves, I must tell you that if you are diligent … the act …. After the first time; it can be …” Mrs. Bennet paused, searching for words.

Jane and Elizabeth waited expectantly.

“… quite diverting!”

The sisters gasped.

“Oh, yes! Your sister Mrs. Wickham has the right of it.” Mrs. Bennet smiled as she mentally recalled Lydia’s exclamation at the table during her late visit: “Is not my husband handsome? I am prodigiously fond of him. Wickham does everything best in the world!” Ah, to be a bride again!

“Lydia?” exclaimed Elizabeth.

“Do not be so high and mighty, Miss Lizzy! I have no fears for you, dear Jane. Mr. Bingley is so thoughtful and kind. He will surely be a most obliging husband, I am sure.” She sighed. “I knew you could not be so beautiful for nothing. A bit of encouragement, a thankful kiss, and all will be well. You shall have a houseful of children! How delightful!

“But as for you, Lizzy …” she sighed again. “I have nothing against your Mr. Darcy. He is a proud and upright man, but with ten thousand a year, who can blame him? But I worry for you. Hearken to me and I can tell you how it can be done!

“I must tell you both that the first time can be … uncomfortable. There shall be a little blood; such a small price to pay for such houses, such husbands! It is nothing! As for the nights to follow, it can be all delightful if you flatter and encourage your husbands. You must put aside all maidenly behavior and praise your husbands to the skies! All men like to hear well of themselves. They shall respond most agreeably; trust me on this!”

The girls could only struggle for breath at this communication.

“Lizzy, your task will be the greater. You tell me you have some affection for Mr. Darcy; that is well. Your undertaking will then be not at all unpleasant. Mr. Darcy is not a passionate man, I know. You must therefore … go to him, if necessary. You must bear an heir. Use your arts and allurements! You are pretty enough. You must bewitch him, my love. And, if you can teach him to be kind, to … linger with you … such raptures! Oh, my dear, you shall not repine, I assure you!”

Elizabeth could not speak, and Jane’s blushes were redoubled for her sister’s sake.

“Have you any questions? Jane?”

“Umm … No, Mama.”

“Lizzy? I hope you will not disregard what I have said. I know of what I speak.”

“I-I shall not forget your good counsel, Mama.”

“Do you think you can …. handle Mr. Darcy?”

Elizabeth thought back to the stolen kisses and improper caresses shared in darkened hallways and shady gardens. Mr. Darcy not passionate, indeed! Hah! “I … I shall manage, Mama. Thank you.”

“Oh, good. I know how it shall be! I think I shall grow distracted! May you both have the exquisite pleasure of the marriage bed that I—umm … that can be enjoyed!” She kissed both her daughters and sent them to bed, to wrestle with the same thoughts:

“It can be quite diverting!”

“Go to him, if necessary. Use your arts and allurements!”

“You shall have a houseful of children. How delightful!”

Both Jane and Elizabeth could add.

There were five Bennet daughters.

They were not found under a cabbage plant.

That could only mean—

Jane and Elizabeth Bennet fought to sleep, with no little difficulty, not because of what was to follow on the morrow, but under the curse of Too Much Information.

The End

Until next time, this has been the Cajun Cheesehead Chronicles.

It takes a real man to write historical romance, so let me tell you a story…