George Wickham writes…
Friends, in my capacity as a gentleman of the world, I have been fortunate to see many things and become a fellow of wide and varied experience. This means, of course, that I have also gathered a fair few little tips and tricks that might help a gentleman navigate his life with skill and ease.
On occasion, others approach me for the benefit of my experience and I am, of course, happy to share it. The missive below was received via my estimable editor1, and is from a gent concerned by a little matter of rogue rouge. Can his reputation and, more importantly, his shirt, be saved?
Read on…
The mysterious HB asks…
Dear Mr Wickham,
I have got lipstick on the collar of shirt.
What would an expert in these matters, such as yourself, advise?
I beg your haste, sir
HB.
Mr Wickham replies…
HB,
My dear friend, what would I advise?
Why, what can one advise? Surely you are not suggesting that I conjure up some magic for removing the reminder of what I am sure was a fine night with a fine sort of girl in the finest surrounding?
I advise leaving the laundry to the laundry woman. Instead, simply place the garment securely in your linen press, well away from the fragrant lady who shares your name. On those days when the sun fails to shine and the choirs of marital harmony fail to sound, don the shirt and your finest suit and sally forth to town – the more lipstick the better!
Yours &c.
GW
1: Ed’s note: Thank you to HB, who dropped Mr W a line via Facebook. If you seek Mr Wickham’s advice, do not hesitate to leave a comment or get in touch, and he shall lend you the benefit of his knowledge.
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Mr. Wickham,
I must say your advice leaves much to be desired to a married man. What would you say if his wife broached you with this question?
A wife with lipstick on her collar? Why, madam, I would ask to meet the ladies in question in order to advise them in person, of course!
You are so droll, sir!
I am glad my husband never two-time me not I he. What do you say to this?
I say true love is to be treasured; brava to it!
Mr. Wickham,
I am shocked that you would dally with a woman who wears lipstick! A horrible French fashion, no doubt, and one that no decent English woman would indulge in!
There is much to be said for the company of *indecent* women too; of course, as a happily married man, I can only theorise on such scandalous points.
I am so reminded of the song: Lipstick on Your Collar…told a tale on you. And what if your lady came in from the terrace with her lipstick all a smeared?
Mrs Wickham is always most careful with her lipstick, it is merely one of her numerous marvellous qualities!