Introduction — and a Quiz!

Greetings!

I am Christina Morland, author of several Austenesque variations — and the newest member of Austen Variations. I’m honored to be here among such talented authors and devoted readers! Marianne Dashwood may have found her felicity in walking through wind and rain — and there is much joy to be found in such a walk, I will grant you — but I am just as likely to find happiness in the “company of clever, well-informed people, who have a great deal of conversation.”*

(Case in point: I’d wager many of you know exactly who spoke those words, to whom, and in which book! If not, never fear: I don’t usually remember quotes off the top of my head either, so I’ve provided the attribution at the end of this post.)

You may have noticed that I spent the first two paragraphs avoiding the task at hand: introducing myself! This is one of those moments when I would not mind having someone like Sir William Lucas around to make official introductions. Sure, he’d be a little silly and pompous about it, but he’s a jovial sort of man, and besides, I’m more likely to be a Mr. Collins about this whole business than an Elizabeth or Jane Bennet.

And perhaps this is the first fact to know about me: I have much more in common with the secondary characters we love to ridicule than with any of Austen’s great heroines! While I do not have an esteemed patroness, nor does my weedy garden border so fine an estate as Rosings Park, I am, like Mr. Collins, more fortunate than I am sensible.

And like Miss Bates, I can easily provide three things, very dull indeed, to prove my good fortune: I live in beautiful Western Massachusetts with a family I adore; I drink so much tea each day that I likely ingest more caffeine than most coffee drinkers; and one of my three cats just sneezed on my head. (Kitty, for Heaven’s sake, have a little compassion on my nerves!) If you’re wondering how having a cat sneeze on one’s head proves one’s good fortune, do not ask me: I told you I was not very sensible!

All this discussion of secondary characters got me thinking: we should have a character quiz! My ten-year-old daughter lately devised a quiz to help her friends decide if they were humans, hobbits, elves, or fairies. So, how about a quiz to help you determine which secondary character in Austen’s books you most resemble?

Do you dare find out? Here we go:

A Secondary Character Quiz!

1. You are at a party where everyone is gathered around the rich, powerful host. Just as you are about to have your share in the conversation, the host cuts you off and begins speaking of something else. You…

1. Listen politely and persuade your friends to remain at the party, for though they fear you’ve been insulted, you know that one can never discount the importance of good connections.
2. Put a hand to your mouth and then nod as your host speaks; after all, your host condescended to invite you to this party!
3. Laugh and make a joke of it later — for what is life if not a joke!
4. Hardly notice, for you’ve just realized how many people are crowded around you. Don’t they know how hot, uncomfortable, and susceptible to disease they’ve made you?

2. A friend of yours seems romantically interested in a person s/he thinks is unlikely to return their affections. You…

1. Tease these two people relentlessly, figuring they need some prodding to get together.
2. Urge your friend to look elsewhere, for this other person isn’t up to your standards anyway.
3. Consult your betters first; they’ll know what to advise your friend!
4. Hope your friend doesn’t get together with anyone, ever. Romance is so much trouble and so unhealthy, too!

3. You’ve recently come into a bit of money. Do you

1. Promise you will give some of it to family who need the money more than you. (And you will — in the form of some food now and then, or perhaps you’ll help them move. That sort of thing!)
2. Buy a bunch of new clothes and throw a big party for the entire neighborhood, though you should be paying off debts and saving for the future. What good is life if you can’t have a little fun, eh?
3. Spend it on healthier food for you, your children, and your pets. (Your pug, after all, needs the very best care, and your mother-in-law is always giving your children far too many sweets!)
4. Rent a posh place in town, for one needs the right address if one is to make an impact on the world.

4. A relative is involved in a terrible scandal. How do you respond?

1. You feel sorry for them, but what can you do? Exertion in such a case will only cause more trouble for everyone.
2. You give your family some well-meaning advice: keep your distance from this relative! (Then immediately tell your employer, or your spouse, that you always knew this relative was trouble!)
3. You wash your hands of the relative; reputation is all one really has in life, after all.
4. You stand by them, for we all make mistakes (like running up huge debts and eloping with cads) from time to time!

So? Do you have your answers? I have mine!

Are you…

Mr. Collins, Mrs. Clay, and John Dashwood: There are those who might call you obsequious, but you know on which side your bread is buttered! Answers: 1)b; 2)c; 3)a; 4)b

Mrs. Jennings, Sir John Middleton, Lydia Bennet, and Thomas Bertram (the younger): You are the life of the party — so who cares if others think you’re vulgar and silly? Answers: 1)c; 2)a; 3)b; 4)d.

Lady Russell, Isabella Thorpe, Caroline Bingley, and Sir Walter Elliot: Some call it social climbing; you call it social awareness. Answers: 1)a; 2)b; 3)d; 4)c

Mr. Woodhouse, Mary Musgrove, and Lady Bertram: It takes a great deal of energy to be you! Answers: 1)d; 2)d; 3)c; 4)a

Anyone willing to share? While I wish I could answer each answer like Mrs. Jennings (one of my favorite secondary characters in Austen), I will admit that my answers would most likely be as follows: b, c, c, and d. Ouch! That does indeed make me most like Mr. Collins! Or maybe more like John Dashwood; I can’t say which is worse!

Is it any wonder that we all love Austen’s heroines and heroes — and then love to laugh at so many of these secondary characters? Which are your favorite Austen characters to ridicule? I’m looking forward to conversing with you on this and many more topics to come!

*Attribution for the quote in paragraph two: Anne Elliot, speaking to Mr. Elliot, in Chapter 16 of Persuasion.