To commemorate our second anniversary, we invite you, our loyal readers and friends, to join us this month at Austen Variations. We have grand plans! For February, we intend to share the endearing moments of Jane Austen’s beloved characters as they celebrate their own anniversaries.
When we asked our readers for suggestions about anniversaries they would like us to write about, someone suggested it might be fun to see how Caroline Bingley celebrated the first anniversary of the big double wedding. The idea captured my imagination and here’s the result.
Caroline had not started out with a plan to drink to excess; it just happened spontaneously when she discovered a bottle of brandy hidden in a vase in the upstairs hallway. Undoubtedly, her brother-in-law, who dearly loved his brandy, had placed it there. Her sister Louisa had been trying to cajole him into reducing his consumption, and he must have secreted this one away so he could have an extra nip from time to time. Caroline reasoned she was actually helping her sister by removing temptation from Mr. Hurst’s path. Checking to make sure no servants were observing, she concealed the bottle in the folds of her gown and hurried to her room.
Once in her room, she considered the bottle. She had never tasted brandy. Deciding to satisfy her curiosity, she found a glass and opened the bottle. At the first sip she nearly choked. Ack! How did men drink this? It was vile! The second glass, however, was quite soothing. The third and fourth went down even more easily.
Caroline was certain no one could condemn her for taking a drink on a day like this, the first anniversary of what she had officially declared “the worst day of her life.” It was worse than the time her brother had pushed her head first into a pond when she was wearing her new gown. Of course, that was complicated by the fact she was not supposed to be wearing it outside, as it had been purchased specifically for a party to which she was invited. Much to her mortification, she’d been forced to wear an old gown to the event. It was worse than when she was seven years old and realized for the first time that being a gentleman’s daughter was not something you could become by acquiring good manners and nice clothes. You had to be born that way. It was ever so much worse than the day at Miss Henrietta’s School for Young Ladies when Lady Elizabeth March humiliated her by calling her a “cit.” Yes, the name “Elizabeth” had always been unlucky for her.
Today was worse than all of those events combined. It was the anniversary of her brother’s wedding to Jane Bennet, and thus, also the anniversary of Mr. Darcy’s marriage to Elizabeth Bennet. In other words, the end of all her dreams of becoming the mistress of Pemberley. Caroline had held out hope up until the last moment that Mr. Darcy would realize his mistake. Barring that, she prayed for lightning to strike Elizabeth on her way to the church. At the wedding, she contemplated jumping up and objecting when the minister asked if anyone knew of any impediments to the marriage, but somehow she could not further humiliate herself by shouting, “He was supposed to marry me!” when that was not exactly true. Darcy had flirted with her. She had been sure of it at the time, but now looking back, she could not be quite certain.
Caroline cringed as she remembered the set down Darcy had given her at Pemberley the summer before the wedding, “For it has been many months since I have considered her the handsomest woman of my acquaintance.” Oh, her poor, wounded heart! That was when she first began to realize he was lost to her.
She refilled her glass. How many had she had? Four? Five? She swirled the contents around, took a ladylike sip, and began to plot how she was going kill Elizabeth Bennet. Errr…Elizabeth Darcy. She could barely make her mouth form those offensive words. Yes, she must devise a plan to efficiently and painfully kill Elizabeth!
First, she thought of a knife but rejected it as too messy. So much blood and she might stain one of her beautiful gowns in the process. Next, she considered poison, surely an effective and unpleasant way to die. In her mind’s eye, she could see Elizabeth’s hands flailing at her throat as the poison did its deadly work until the light flickered out forever from those “fine eyes.” Caroline’s gleeful giggle rose but fell quickly when she realized she had no idea how to obtain poison, let alone how she might put it in something Elizabeth would consume. She did not want risk poisoning Darcy or anyone else.
A venomous snakebite she dismissed as impractical. Where would she find a snake in the city, and if she did, who could she coerce into placing it in Elizabeth’s room? She would never touch a snake! It was much too disgusting. Hiring someone to assist her opened up the potential she might be blackmailed at some later date, which would then necessitate her killing her accomplice, too. Very messy.
It would be easy work to go out walking with Elizabeth, and once they were out of sight of all the watchful eyes, push her nemesis off a cliff to her death. Unfortunately, there were no cliffs nearby in London, and she had not been invited to Pemberley since the wedding.
Recently, Caroline heard Elizabeth was learning to ride. She wondered if it would be possible to steal into the mews one morning before Elizabeth’s riding lesson and loosen the girth on the saddle so she would fall off the horse, hopefully to her death. Unfortunately, Caroline had never saddled her own horse, and so she had no idea what to loosen that would result in the saddle coming off at the exactly the right moment when the horse was going fast enough to do some real damage. The same was true for a carriage accident. So many straps and buckles! Which ones should she loosen? No, that would never do. Besides, she might break a fingernail in the process.
Reclining on the settee in her room, she held out her hand so she could better admire her graceful fingers and beautifully manicured nails. There must be another way.
A gun. Yes, a gun. Messy but effective. She had accompanied her father on one of his hunting trips years ago and had even fired a hunting rifle, although not with much accuracy. But if she was close enough to Elizabeth, accuracy would not matter. The problem was she had never loaded her own gun and had only a vague idea of how it was accomplished. She groaned miserably. Why did they not teach her something useful at Miss Henrietta’s School?
Pouring herself another glass of the delicious, magic liquid, she pondered if it might be possible to frame Elizabeth for the murder of her sister, Jane Bingley. Now that would kill two birds with one stone, and the punishment for murder was extremely unpleasant–hanging. Caroline put a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle that turned into a decidedly unladylike burp. A good idea, but again impractical. There was no guarantee the plan would result in Elizabeth’s arrest, and a magistrate or jury would be reluctant to convict the wife of Fitzwilliam Darcy without very convincing evidence.
This time when Caroline sat up, her head was spinning. More accurately, the room was spinning, as she was certain she was not moving at all. Reaching out for her glass to take another sip of the wonderful, soothing brandy, she discovered her fingers were not working properly, and the glass fell to the floor. This brought another round of laughter bubbling from her lips. Just thinking about killing Elizabeth was too much fun to keep to herself. She simply had to share it. Where was Louisa? She would find all of this quite amusing.
When Caroline tried to rise to go look for her sister, she discovered her legs had turned to jelly. Falling back awkwardly on the settee, she giggled again. A nap seemed like a good idea, but closing her eyes only made the spinning worse.
Her murderous plans quickly devolved from reality to wonderful fantasy with the vision of Elizabeth standing in front of a military firing squad. That image was delicious. No, she had an even better idea! A guillotine! Just as she was imagining a terrified Elizabeth on her knees begging for her life beside Madame Guillotine, Caroline heard a sound at the door to her room.
“Caroline? Caroline? It is time for supper.” Louisa’s voice sounded very far away.
Caroline blinked slowly and fought back nausea. When she looked up, Louisa was standing over her shaking her head. Reaching up with an unsteady hand, she tried to grab at her sister’s face.
“Please, do not move your head. It is making me dizzy.” At least, that was what she intended to say. She was shocked when it came out more like, “Pleesh, dear, do not moof your head so quickly. Ish, make me dishy.”
“What are you trying to say? Caroline, are you unwell?”
Through the haze, she saw Louisa examining the nearly empty brandy bottle.
“I do not believe it. You are not ill. You are quite foxed!” said Louisa. “Do not worry, dear. I will ask Mr. Hurst for help. He knows all the best remedies for too much drink.”
As Louisa turned to go, Caroline’s arm flailed out again, and she managed to catch hold of her sister’s hand. “No, doona leaf me. ‘M dying!”
“Oh, dear sister, you are not going to die,” said Louisa sympathetically. “Although you may wish you had.” This last part was mumbled under her breath.
Caroline tried to make her lips form the words to insist that, in fact, she was definitely going to expire and quite soon, but at this point, she could not because her lips were also numb.
The next morning Caroline awoke with a thumping headache. Had elephants been dancing on her head? Her eyelids hurt and her mouth felt like the inside of a birdcage. Someone, either her maid or her sister, had removed her gown and put her to bed. Just as Caroline was taking inventory of all the parts of her body that were in pain, Louisa appeared.
“I thought I heard you stirring. How are you feeling?” her sister asked, brightly.
“How do you think I feel?” Caroline snapped. That was big mistake. Talking made her head feel like it was going to explode!
“You are looking a little green,” Louisa observed.
Caroline felt like growling, but it was too much effort so she settled on giving her sister a scathing look.
“I do hope you are feeling better. We just received a last minute invitation to Darcy House for supper this evening. Charles and Jane will be there, too. And Georgiana. Is it not exciting? I have heard rumors the Darcys have a new cook who is simply amazing. There are other rumors, too, around town. Maybe they are planning to make a big announcement,” Louisa smiled and prattled on.
Just when Caroline thought things could not get much worse, now she would have to go to supper and face her nemesis again. Rolling her eyes, which brought on more pain, she wondered if she could possibly acquire some poison today after all. Then she could carry out her plan to rid the world of Elizabeth Darcy. When she tried to rise, she fell back on her pillows again with a groan. If she was not feeling better soon, perhaps she should just take the poison herself so she would not have to endure the agony of yet another family dinner party.
How do you imagine Caroline celebrating?
33 comments
Skip to comment form
Caroline could only celebrate the recognition of her stupidity and learning Braille because she’s been blind all along not seeing Darcy’s disgust.
I agree. She kept digging herself in deeper, didn’t she!
Ah, Susan. This is the Caroline we all know and love. Thanks for the look at her worst day.
I felt like I was channeling her when I wrote this. Thank you for reading and commenting!
couldn’t happen to a better person. !
Love it!
I agree. Thanks, Carol.
I hope she is still too ill to go. Then she can sit on her own and think about how miserable she is and Darcy and Elizabeth can enjoy a lovely evening without her caustic comments. Thanks for this post Susan and especially thanks for ensuring Caroline couldn’t think of a workable way of killing Elizabeth 😊
Yes, I wouldn’t wish her nasty comments on anyone. I suppose most people were too polite to give her a set down.
Although I do dislike Caroline, I cannot wish her a hangover. Once was enough for me. I was about twenty, and wanted to die.
Her murderous thoughts were quite funny. She might break a nail? Thank you for this!
Well, nearly everyone has overindulged at one time or another. I suspect this is the last time she’ll drink brandy. I intended that the more she had to drink the wilder and more unrealistic her plans became.
This was too funny. I hope she has to go and finds out both Jane and Lizzy are expecting. That would be a riot. She would be so tortured, or even better she gets there and is told the invitation did not include her. Or, perhaps she gets set downs from Darcy, and her brother asks her to leave for her acerbic comments which then gets Louisa and Hurst after her. I can picture a whole slew of events. I needed that humor this morning.
Thanks for reading and commenting. Knowing you think this is funny makes my morning.
Oh, she should go but I can see the men (and Louisa as well) recognizing the signs and torturing her just a little. Perhaps you’d care for more oysters Caroline…maybe the steak tartare….and a flaming brandy dessert. The torture would be delicious.
That would be better than any verbal set down they could give her. Glad you enjoyed this.
Wonderfully funny!
Thank you!
Oh we do love to see Caroline getting her comeuppance! Yes, I like the idea of her attending and being snickered at by the men who will know exactly what she is dealing with and laughing loudly will only exacerbate her pain. Oh yes, please channel some more of Caroline!
Any ideas for Caroline for our upcoming MashUp month?
I certainly laughed through so much of this! Thank you!
So funny– she couldn’t do that as she might break a nail, indeed! Such problems!
Great job on this! As I Believe someone else already said: Too delicious!
Thanks again for brightening my day!!
Thank you. I laughed while writing it, too.
“Why did they not teach her something useful at Miss Henrietta’s School?” LOL!
Wonderful vignette – I love all the reasons Caroline could not carry through her murderous plans!
They got more and more fantastic as she drank more and more.
This did make me laugh. I thought Caroline was going to fall over, hit her own head on the edge of the nightstand or some other piece of furniture and pass out with a concussion. That would have given cause for some of us to celebrate – oh, bad me! But she can eat crow at tonight’s dinner when the Darcys announce Elizabeth’s pregnancy. I can just imagine Caroline spewing her wine across the table at that news.
I like that image, Sheila.
Talking about spewing drinks, I dribbled my morning tea down my front chuckling over this today Susan. Every time I took another sip, there came another little gem! Thanks for brightening my morning.
I read this to my friend in the car on the way to swimming and she almost had to pull over because she was laughing so hard. Thanks, Anji!
Well, apparently brandy brings out Caroline’s quite vivid imagination, LOL!! But I’m sure that her hangover is such that she may never imbibe again…or at least until the birth of the Darcy heir (which is most likely at the root of the pending “announcement”).
If she weren’t so evil, I might actually feel sorry for her. 😉
Thank you, Susan, for a delightful vignette!
Warmly,
Susanne 🙂
I hope this is a lesson to her to move on, but somehow I doubt it. Thanks for stopping by,Susanne.
Heh-heh! I suppose she could stay home sick/drunk, but it is fun to imagine her accepting the dinner invitation… only to have the Darcys surprise her by bringing a gentleman suitor to sit next to Caroline. Muahaha!
Very interesting idea! Hmm…
Loved it! I did keep imagining that since Caroline had never had brandy and didn’t know what it should taste like, and Louisa was actively trying to discourage her husband’s overindulgence, perhaps Louisa had discovered the stash and laced it with something dreadful: Something to make the person who drank it extra sick or… a laxative perhaps? A wonderfully fun read!
I can almost feel sorry for Caroline — almost. The hangover is going to be epic and she still has to deal with supper with the “family.” Glad you enjoyed it.
A few months after the double wedding, and Caroline has finally decided she had better try to attract someone else as a husband. After all, who WOULDN’t want a wife with 20,000 pounds!!? She goes through the latest “Season”, and finds someone with a great title, but no money. She’s all set to accept the expected proposal…. when news is spread that the cash-poor lord is engaged (but not to Caroline!!) Who is this wench that snapped up “HER” lord?