The Cajun Cheesehead Chronicles
by Jack Caldwell
The Austen Interviews – An Interview with Colonel Fitzwilliam: the sequel
JACK CALDWELL – Hello, everyone—Jack Caldwell here. I couldn’t just leave you hanging after my initial interview with Colonel Fitzwilliam. [It can be found HERE] Besides, he has a sword.
So, I’m happy to welcome back to this studio beyond Space and Time the ladies’ favorite stud-muffin!
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM – I assume you are speaking of me, and not Colonel Sir John Buford.
JC – Now, would I do that?
CF – Yes, you would.
JC – You know me well. Let’s get down to the salient point. I do not kill you in THE THREE COLONELS, since you are a major character in the sequel, ROSINGS PARK.
CF – I appreciate that. By the way, how is the writing going?
JC – Slow, I’m afraid.
CF – Well, get to it, man!
JC – Working on it. But, I’d be careful what you wish for. You don’t know the plot.
CF – What do you mean by that, sir?
JC – You’ll find out. In our last interview, we discussed how a loud-mouthed plot device like yourself became the female reader’s pet redcoat, primarily due to the 1995 adaptation.
CF – Thank you, Andrew Davies!
JC – Due to that, the fan fiction authors can’t leave you alone.
CF – It keeps me busy, thankfully.
JC – You’ve replaced Charles Bingley as second banana to Fitzwilliam Darcy.
CHARLES BINGLEY (offstage) – I heard that!
JC – No shouting from the peanut gallery!
CB (offstage) – When do I get my interview?
JC – You’ll get your chance, eventually. Now, pipe down, Chuckles!
CF – “Chuckles.” I like that.
JC – Fits, doesn’t it?
CB (offstage) – I heard that, too!
JC – Nothing wrong with his ears. Back to the interview. Fan fiction authors have embraced you, not only as Darcy’s confidant, but as a romantic figure, as well.
CF – A hard job, but I endeavor to persevere.
JC – I’ll say. You get around. You’ve been romantically linked to Anne de Bourgh, Caroline Bingley, Georgiana Darcy (ugh), Charlette Lucas, Charlette Collins (infidelity, anyone?), Maria Lucas, Mary Crawford, Jane Bennet…
CB (offstage) – WHAT!? Not my angel!
JC – Shut it, Chuckles! As I was saying, Mary Bennet, Kitty Bennet, Lydia Bennet (???), several Original Characters (whom I can’t mention, due to copyright issues), and even Elizabeth Bennet.
CF – All the girls I’ve loved before…
JC – I almost forgot Elizabeth Elliot. Anyone else I’ve left out?
CF – A gentleman never says.
JC – So, who’s your favorite lady?
CF – A gentleman never says.
JC – C’mon! The fans want you to spill!
CF – Not a chance. Besides, you yourself cannot make up your mind. You’ve paired me with Anne de Bourgh, Charlette Lucas, and Caroline Bingley.
JC – Not all at the same time.
CF – Pity.
JC – Now you sound like Wickham!
CF – Is there any question why? Several authors have me playing the villain.
JC – Not me—yet.
CF – You plan on it?
JC – No, but one never knows what my muse will come up with.
CF – She is a harsh mistress, and imaginative too. Besides the hussars in the Napoleonic Wars, I’ve been a police officer in modern-day New Orleans in CRESCENT CITY, and a ranch foreman in post-Civil War Texas in PEMBERLEY RANCH.
JC – My favorite version of you was in PEMBERLEY RANCH.
CF – My accent was controversial.
JC – You were an American cowboy, for cryin’ out loud. Of course, you had a twang. You had a cameo in THE PLAINS OF CHALMETTE.
CF – Caroline was right. This is about selling your books. Are you going to mention every novel I appear in?
JC – Besides THE COMPANION OF HIS FUTURE LIFE and MR. DARCY CAME TO DINNER? No.
CF – Are you planning anything else?
JC – We’ll see. Do you have anything you want to tell the fans?
CF – No. After all, I have no character, as you’ve pointed out in the last interview.
JC – Blame Jane Austen.
CB (offstage) – Is it my turn yet?
JC – No!
CF – By the way, when does Darcy undergo the inquisition?
JC – Are you kidding? Darcy and Elizabeth are untouchable! The fans would kill me if I inflict this treatment on them. Besides, supporting characters are much more interesting.
CF – Speaking for us supporting characters, I thank you.
JC – Thanks, Colonel. Friends, is there anyone you’d like to see interviewed? Let me know below.
CB (offstage) – What about me?
JC – Until next time, I’m Jack Caldwell of The Cajun Cheesehead Chronicles.