Mr. Collins’s Cucumber by Mary Simonsen

P&P200cover7smallMarch 5, 1812

Engaged to Mr. Collins? Impossible!

Lizzy winced at the memory of her reaction to Charlotte’s engagement to her cousin. Without thinking highly of either men or matrimony, for Charlotte, marriage had always been her object. Once Lizzy accepted the fact of the engagement, she understood the reason: It was the only honorable option for a young woman of small fortune, and now here she was in Kent to observe in close quarters the union of these two dissimilar souls.

Weary from a day of traveling, Lizzy was eager for her bed, but before saying good night, the parson had extracted a promise that his cousin tour the gardens the next morning. After a hearty breakfast, Lizzy followed Charlotte and Mr. Collins into a large plot, handsomely fenced, adjacent to the parsonage. To Lizzy’s mind, it looked very much like the vegetable garden at Longbourn and Lucas Lodge and every other house in the Meryton neighborhood, but that was before Mr. Collins mentioned his cucumber.

“Have you ever seen a cucumber of such size, Cousin Elizabeth?” he asked, pointing to the lengthy gourd at her feet, and Lizzy admitted she had not.

“Her Ladyship has encouraged Mr. Collins to tend to his garden so that we might have sufficient vegetables for our table,” Charlotte explained.

Mr. Collins had happily accepted Her Ladyship’s decree. “Lady Catherine visits regularly. She has been as captivated by this plant as I have, watching it grow, inch by inch by inch, until reaching its current length. If stood erect, I am sure it would reach a length of nine inches.”

“Mr. Collins, I am speechless!” Lizzy said, trying to suppress the urge to laugh. She very nearly lost the fight when Charlotte mentioned the enormous oblong vegetable was planted next to her husband’s radishes, also of a goodly size.

After Mr. Collins retreated to his study, Lizzy asked her friend how she had kept a straight face throughout the exchange.

“Because he shows me his cucumber at least twice a week, usually on Wednesdays and Saturdays.”

And, finally, with Mr. Collins out of earshot, the two ladies had their laugh.

17 comments

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    • Deborah on March 10, 2014 at 5:18 am
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    Cute and adorably written. It made me laugh too.

    1. Thanks, Deborah. When someone tells me that I made them laugh, that really is the highest compliment!

    • Anji on March 10, 2014 at 10:20 am
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    I was reading this on the train on my commute this morning and couldn’t help having a chuckle at it. Got a strange look from the person sitting opposite!

    1. One of my favorite novels is Walking Across Egypt. I was on an airplane, and the person next to me kept laughing out loud. I asked her what she was reading. Laughter is contagious.

    • Carole in Canada on March 10, 2014 at 11:31 am
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    Laughed the first time I read this and again today!

    1. Thanks, Carole. Appreciate you letting me know you enjoyed the story.

    • Sheila L. M. on March 10, 2014 at 1:39 pm
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    I was ROFL when I read this chapter and copied and sent parts to ALL my girlfriends as I thought I had to share the hilarity! Just too, too much! And to think that Elizabeth and Charlotte “GOT IT” also, knowing the day and age they lived in!…now thinking about Lady C. eating the cucumber (Oh, you didn’t include that part)…..my mind is really in the gutter. (This from a grandmother…not dead yet!)

    1. Sheila, A grandmother wrote it! So glad you enjoyed it. Mary

  1. I’ve read this chapter a several times before, and it still makes me break out in fits of laughter. Who knew Charlotte had such a sense of humor? I guess she’d have to in order to live with him.

    1. Hey, Susan. I sure hope Charlotte has a sense of humor. She definitely needs it. Thanks for the compliments.

  2. When I think about this book, this is the first scene that jumps to mind. It always makes me laugh.

    1. High praise, indeed! Thank you, Abigail. 🙂

    • Kathy on March 10, 2014 at 10:45 pm
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    I always think, “Poor Charlotte!!” when I consider her marriage. Thank goodness she was able to see the absurdity and humor in her husband or things for her would really be terrible!

    1. Charlotte needed a sense of humor or she couldn’t have made it through the day!

    • BeckyC on March 11, 2014 at 10:05 am
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    Always a good laugh to revisit the story of Collins and his cucumber. Thanks, Mary

  3. I love the humor in this! What fun.

  4. You do such a wonderful job of capturing the bungling Mr. Collins.

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