Mr. and Mrs. Collins Celebrate Their First Anniversary by Mary Simonsen

January 1812

Mr. and Mrs. Collins

Mr. Collins looked adoringly at his wife who was busy making some minor repairs to a tablecloth. Had not Lady Catherine commented on his wife’s many fine qualities, not the least of which was her frugality and ability to make the most of her income by mending and gardening?

From the corner of her eye, Charlotte could see that her husband, as he did every evening after supper, was admiring her handiwork, and she knew exactly what he was thinking: Lady Catherine would approve. Lady Catherine’s opinion was the gold standard in their home and foremost in Mr. Collins’s mind. That was perfectly fine with Charlotte. In exchange for keeping accurate books, an eye on expenses, and coming when summoned to Rosings’s parlor, their patroness had provided them with a handsome house and a decent living. With a year’s experience as the wife of Mr. Collins behind her, Charlotte considered herself to be—if not happy—then at least content with her current situation. After all, she was the mistress of her own home, had a decent monthly allowance, and servants to help her with the more mundane tasks. All things considered, life was good.

“Dearest, you do know what tomorrow is, do you not?” Mr. Collins asked with a smile in his voice.

“A full moon?” Charlotte said, her eyes glued to her needlework.

Mr. Collins tittered. “I see you are in a frivolous mood. As you well know, the moon is waning, not waxing.”

“Perhaps, it is Miss de Bourgh’s birthday?”

“Charlotte, I do believe you are teasing me. As you well know, Miss de Bourgh’s birthday is in June.”

“I am well aware what tomorrow is, my love,” she said, returning his smile. “I can hardly believe that you and I have been together for a full year.” It seems as if I have been a wife for a very long time. Years in fact.

“You remembered, dearest,” a pleased Mr. Collins answered.

Charlotte reminded her husband that he had mentioned their anniversary at breakfast. After putting down her needlework, she said, “My dear, if you are thinking of a gift, please allow me to remind you that cotton is the traditional gift for first anniversaries.”

“Bed linen is made of cotton,” he said, arching his eyebrows.

Oh dear! That is a hint if ever there was one, and it is not even Saturday.

“Many things are made of cotton. Your hose, for example.”

“My hose!” Mr. Collins said, winking at his wife. “Are we speaking of a garden hose or do you have something else in mind?”

What an unfortunate choice of words! Obviously, Mr. Collins has plans for the eve of our first anniversary. He must be diverted. And she had the perfect diversion in mind.

Because Mr. Collins could, at times, be ridiculous, Charlotte had not planned to tell her husband quite so soon. In was only in the last few days that the signs were such that the result was no longer in doubt. She wanted to hold off telling him for as long as possible because he had a tendency to blurt out the most intimate details of their marriage to his patroness, but Lady Catherine would know soon enough.

“I was thinking more along the line of bunting?”

“The bird?”

“No, Mr. Collins. A baby’s bunting.”

“For what purpose?” he asked confused.

“To put a baby in.”

“Is someone in the parish increasing?”

“Yes, Mr. Collins. Someone you know very well is to have a child.”

“I hope it is not that Mallow girl. I have already spoken to her parents and have warned them that if Alice continues…”

“Mr. Collins!” Charlotte said, rising. “It is I who is in need of bunting for a baby?”

Finally, a light went on in Mr. Collins’s eyes. “But how…?”

“The usual way.”

“I mean when?”

“Do you mean the particular day?”

“No. No. When is the happy event to take place?”

“Late summer.”

“Ah, yes! Harvest time.”

“That is one way of looking at it.”

The parson was soon by his wife’s side. Taking her in his arms, he exclaimed, “Everything has changed!”

“Yes, everything has changed. Because of the baby, we must be careful.”

“Of course, my dear,” he said, placing his hand on his wife’s belly. “I would not wish to chase our little bunny around the rabbit hole, now would I?”

Goodness! The things he says! I wish he would think before he speaks. “No, dear, you most definitely would not,” she said, pleased at the way things had turned out. “Happy Anniversary!” she said and rewarded him a peck on the cheek.

Your comments are always appreciated.

 P. S. Although I found references to garden hoses being used in Holland at this time, I could not find a particular reference to English gardens. Liberties were taken. 🙂

40 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. Wow, that was an easy way too escape the inevitable! Does that give her 6 months free? Counting the quickening and the weeks after childbirth?

    Good one!

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:43 pm
      • Reply

      I certainly hope so! 🙂

    • JerryT on February 17, 2016 at 2:05 am
    • Reply

    LOL

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:43 pm
      • Reply

      Thanks. 🙂

    • Michelle on February 17, 2016 at 2:32 am
    • Reply

    Oh the thought of it!!!!! At least Charlotte has some months reprieve now!

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:44 pm
      • Reply

      If I were Charlotte, I would have told him the minute I knew. 🙂

        • Michelle on February 17, 2016 at 12:47 pm
        • Reply

        I am now up to date with all your novels. Having withdrawal symptoms. Anything in the pipiline?!

        1. I am working on a short story. I’m afraid the well has run dry. Maybe something will pop up, but no full novel at the moment. Thanks, Michelle. I appreciate your support.

    • Carol on February 17, 2016 at 2:32 am
    • Reply

    What a lame brain ! Collins is an idiot, and Charlotte is running circles around him. Saved by the baby with months of not having him in her bed on Saturday nights. I wonder if he is on a schedule. She is definitely sharp and quick thinking. We may have her own house, but without happiness, life could be lengthy and disappointing. Great writing! I can visualize the wheels in Charlotte’s mind turning through this piece.

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:45 pm
      • Reply

      I think in order to endure Mr. Collins, Charlotte had to get away from him. In my mind, they settle into a happy routine. Thanks for commenting.

    • Deborah on February 17, 2016 at 6:46 am
    • Reply

    What a lame brain Collins is. Glad Charlotte is so quick witte, she ‘d have to be since she was friends with Lizzy. She has a break from his attentions for about half a years. What a great anniversary post. Too funny.

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:45 pm
      • Reply

      Thanks, Deborah. Glad you enjoyed it.

  2. Funny, and yet sad. Charlotte deserves so much more than that nitwit. It is such a shame that no one else appreciated this special lady.

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:47 pm
      • Reply

      I agree. But considering her situation, Charlotte at least has a comfortable home and a husband with a steady income. However, I do wish she had been able to marry for love.

    • somandyjo on February 17, 2016 at 10:06 am
    • Reply

    Ew! I do not want to think of Mr. Collins’ ‘hose’! LOL. That had me giggling out loud.

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:47 pm
      • Reply

      I think anyone who has ever read P&P agrees with you. 🙂

    • Ginna on February 17, 2016 at 11:01 am
    • Reply

    I’m glad that you explained about the hose, because it did make we wonder.

    This makes me Ewwwww: to chase our little bunny around the rabbit hole
    Blech!

      • Ginna on February 17, 2016 at 11:02 am
      • Reply

      make “me” wonder

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:48 pm
      • Reply

      I think “blech” is a good word for what is required of Charlotte.

    • Glynis on February 17, 2016 at 11:30 am
    • Reply

    Oh poor Charlotte surely not EVERY Saturday!!!! All I can say is thank goodness Elizabeth escaped this fate. I think she would have murdered him by now (I know I certainly would have!) 😞

    1. I agree–Elizabeth would definitely have committed murder by now…and perhaps a double homicide involving both Lady Catherine and her clueless rector. 😉

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:49 pm
      • Reply

      I hope it was just on Saturdays! Thanks for commenting.

  3. The bunny and rabbit hole comment just about made me gag! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

    I admire Charlotte for being content with her circumstances and thinking that life was good. Of course, she has at least a 6-9 month reprieve from the amorous attentions of her thick-brained husband, so I guess that with the reprieve and the reward of a baby, she would think that life is indeed good. 😀

    Thanks for a brilliant yet oddly disgusting vignette!

    Warmly,
    Susanne 🙂

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 12:50 pm
      • Reply

      I have to think that Charlotte made the best of it. I can imagine her arranging her day in such a way that she saw little of her husband.

    • Sheila L. M. on February 17, 2016 at 1:52 pm
    • Reply

    Laughing! as bad as the references to Mr. Collins’ cucumber and his radishes in the one novel!!! And the schedule of Saturday night being couples’ night – UGH. But hopefully she has a reprieve. Thanks for the humor. Laughing is good medicine.

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 2:36 pm
      • Reply

      Thanks, Sheila. Yes, poor Charlotte. But I do believe she made the best of it.

    • Stephanie L on February 17, 2016 at 2:33 pm
    • Reply

    Bunny and Rabbit hole…*facepalm* Ohhh poor Charlotte. The baby is a blessing in sooo many ways. LOL

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 2:36 pm
      • Reply

      Yes, a baby is a blessing. Maybe Mr. Collins will pay even less attention to her after the baby is born. Thanks for commenting.

    • Carole in Canada on February 17, 2016 at 3:09 pm
    • Reply

    I read this early this morning and it was a great way to start my day…laughing that is. Ahh Charlotte, what a price you have paid for contentment! Trying to shake the visuals out of my head though! Thank you Mary! I read above you are doing another short story. Would you ever consider doing a story of Jane and Bingley?

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 4:12 pm
      • Reply

      Thanks, Carole. My favorite comment: I made someone laugh. Jane and Bingley? What do you have in mind? I see them walking off into the sunset without a care in the world. Let me know if you can think of something with a little tension in it. I can be reached at quailcreekpub@hotmail.com.

    • Carol hoyt on February 17, 2016 at 3:09 pm
    • Reply

    Way to go Charlotte!!

      • Mary Simonsen on February 17, 2016 at 4:12 pm
      • Reply

      Charlotte’s clever. I’m sure she found a way to live with such a ridiculous man.

    • Dung on February 17, 2016 at 11:07 pm
    • Reply

    I had to chuckle at Charlotte quick thinking.

      • Mary Simonsen on February 20, 2016 at 4:43 pm
      • Reply

      Thanks for commenting, Dung.

    • Anji on February 18, 2016 at 9:03 am
    • Reply

    Oh myyy! I just read this whilst eating my lunch. The thought of Mr. Collins’ *hose* isn’t sitting well with my Pad Thai noodles,some of which ended up down my front. Poor Charlotte, I think we’re all sympathising with her reprieve on Saturday nights for the next dix to nine months or so.

    You’re a very wicked lady Mary!

      • Mary Simonsen on February 20, 2016 at 4:44 pm
      • Reply

      I hope your shirt is wash and wear. 🙂

    • Beatrice on February 22, 2016 at 4:56 pm
    • Reply

    It there are marital activities every Saturday night, Charlotte will soon get the idea of hiding the Sunday sermon so that looking for it will take precedence over a husband’s privileges.

      • Mary Simonsen on February 24, 2016 at 2:08 pm
      • Reply

      Sounds like a plan! 🙂

    • Wendy on February 25, 2016 at 7:30 am
    • Reply

    So sad! Mr. Collins is so ridiculous and repulsive. It’s too bad for Charlotte that he doesn’t change in the privacy of their home. Ugh!

      • Mary Simonsen on February 25, 2016 at 4:29 pm
      • Reply

      Yes, Mr. Collins is ridiculous, but Charlotte knew what she was getting into. I think she can manage him. Thanks for commenting.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.