March Madness – Supreme Council of Baddies

We trust you’re enjoying March Madness, where we’ve been combining characters from Jane Austen’s books in ways you may not have expected or even imagined. What fun it has been! Today, Shannon Winslow brings you the final episode (for now, at least), collecting all JA’s villains in one place at the same time. What could possibly go wrong? 

 


Everybody who is anybody was there. Wickham, of course, and Willoughby. General Tilney and his eldest son, the captain, showing off their military finery. The Crawfords, both brother and sister, Mrs. Norris, and Lucy Steele. All the A-listers and even some of the more minor players. They only awaited their chairman to get things started.

Mr. CollinsFinally Mr. Collins, who had vociferously volunteered his services to facilitate the meeting, rushed in and loudly cleared his throat to get their attention.

When the rumble of voices had quieted sufficiently, he announced with hushed reverence, “Our esteemed leader has arrived. I trust you will all join me in honoring her with the attention and respect her rank and position among us must rightly demand.” Gesturing toward the doorway, Mr. Collins elevated his voice to a fevered pitch. “I give you Lady Catherine de Bourgh!”

All eyes turned, and yet they saw only a vacant portal.

Mr. Collins briefly faltered but then tried again. “Please welcome Lady Catherine de Bourgh!”

Lady Catherine de BourghPerhaps it was the slight bow he added to his introduction or the extra flourish of his arm gesture. In any case, this time the great lady did appear as bidden. Light applause broke out but was quickly silenced by Lady Catherine’s cutting glare.

“This is not a celebration,” she said sternly upon claiming the podium. “We are not here for our mutual entertainment. We have serious work ahead.” She allowed the weight of this pronouncement to settle upon her listeners as she, one by one, took in the faces before her. “Is everyone present?” she asked Mr. Collins.

“Yes, indeed, your ladyship. Everything is as it should be, though I do say it myself,” he answered with obsequious humility. “All are present and I have distributed the assignments according to your specific instructions.”

“Good. I only wish to say these things once.” She then returned her attention to the small conclave before her. “Each of you has had opportunity to review your latest assignments, and I trust you are all ready to carry them out to the letter… at risk of life and limb if necessary.” Hearing no immediate contradiction to her statement – it was most definitely not a question, after all – she went on.

“We are not here to debate these instructions, only to address questions and strategize how to most effectively see the battle through. Your theatres of operation may be different, but your main mission is the same. The blight of true love is to be overthrown in every case,” she said, scornfully emphasizing that particular phrase. “Unequal alliances and sloppy sentimentality must be stamped out where you find them. The fictional expectation of ‘happy endings’ for these simpering heroines we suffer nowadays must be proven just that: a fiction. You have been given license to use any means necessary – any means short of doing actual bodily harm, that is – to undermine, oppose, and sabotage. Ours is a noble cause, and we must be prepared to meet the enemy forces with cunning and resolve.”

“Hear, hear!” shouted Mrs. Norris, spontaneously rising to her feet.

Some of the others joined in her enthusiasm for Lady Catherine’s inspiring speech, but not General Tilney. No, he wore a look of unmistakable hostility. This, it may be supposed, can be attributed to his lingering disgust over his failure to depose the current speaker in the previous election. Thus motivated, he challenged her with a question.

“You talk a good game, Madam, but what support from headquarters can you deliver to those of us on the front lines? Love is a formidable force. Fine-sounding words will only go so far against it.”

“How wrong you are, sir,” she shot back at him. “There is no more effective weapon on earth than an arsenal of words, finely honed and expertly delivered. If, after all your training, you persist in doubting the truth of it, I suggest you review chapter six of your manual. As for support services, you will receive what has been promised. You may depend on it.”

“Hear, hear!” Mrs. Norris shouted once again, drawing looks of annoyance from more than one quarter.

Lady Catherine, having successfully thwarted General Tilney’s challenge, expected the rest to fall quietly into line behind her leadership. “I need not remind you of headquarters’ intolerant attitude toward failure. Some of you are teetering on the brink of banishment from this society as it is.” Again she cast her eyes from face to face, this time with a you-know-who-I-mean lift to her right eyebrow.  “Very well, then,” she continued when satisfied. “If there’s nothing else…”

No one would dare defy her authority, she surmised. In fact, they would probably be too intimidated to even ask questions. She would make quick work of anyone who did, and then she could be on to more interesting endeavors. Really, it was all such a bore, supervising these under-talented pretenders when she had much rather be keeping her rendezvous with that distinguished Count Deering. Now there was a man truly worthy of her time and abilities…

Her ladyship’s private reverie was unpleasantly cut short by a noisy uprising. It started small, with a protest from Lucy Steele, directed at no one in particular.

Lucy SteeleLooking up from studying her assignment, she said, “I don’t mind stirring up trouble. In fact, I’m sure I shall enjoy it immensely. But I cannot be expected to go so far as actually marrying one of these silly Ferrars brothers. What if I don’t like the looks of them, or the wrong one ends up with the money? It would be throwing myself away completely!”

Henry Crawford came to her support. “Miss Steele is perfectly right. We are professionals, after all. We must be allowed some room for creative expression, some leeway to carry out our assignments as we see fit.”

“I agree with my brother,” declared Mary Crawford.

“Naturally,” muttered Captain Tilney.

Lucy Steele gave Henry an appreciative nod and a coy smile.

Wickham“What about seduction?” asked Wickham, standing and raising his voice to be heard above the growing disturbance. “Is that allowed or is it considered ‘bodily harm’?”

“Depends who’s doing the seducing!” returned Captain Tilney with a wry smile, and he was rewarded with appreciative laughter. “The ladies never complain when it’s me.”

Perturbed by Tilney’s implication, Wickham, redirected. “I wasn’t asking you, sir. My question was for our chairman… uh, chairwoman, I mean.”

Before Lady Catherine could address this or any of the previous remarks, Willoughby added his voice to the growing melee.

Willoughby“And another thing,” he said to the group at large. “I don’t much care for these veiled threats of banishment if any of us should fail. As far as I can see, Lady Catherine has not succeeded in stamping out the threat of true love either, except perhaps in her poor, unfortunate daughter. Now there is a young lady I should like to see benefited by a little male companionship, if you know what I mean!”

“Silence,” shrieked Lady Catherine before slumping down in a near faint.

Mr. Collins, completely beside himself by now, ran from member to member begging for a return to order. Not surprisingly, he and his pleas went unheeded. General Tilney leant back in his chair, smiling serenely at the scene before him and no doubt anticipating a more favorable outcome in the next election. Nearly everybody else had risen by this time, shouting and gesturing various insults at various parties, present or not. In the chaos, no one even noticed when Henry Crawford and Lucy Steele slipped out the back door together.

What can be said about the outcome of this council meeting except that it was a total loss? As for the success or failure of the members’ subsequent missions? The answers await your discovery between the pages of books.

 

32 comments

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    • Anji on March 31, 2016 at 2:02 am
    • Reply

    Oh what a joy this was to read over my breakfast this morning! Thank you Shannon.

    I just have a question for you. Had Frank Churchill and William Elliot been banished from the council already?

    1. You’re right. Mr Elliot should have been there. I don’t really think of Frank Churchill as a villain, though. I guess we can count them both as two of the “minor players” I mentioned in the first paragraph, with no speaking parts. Or, as you suggest, perhaps they had already been banished! Haha! Glad you enjoyed the piece, Anji!

    • Deborah on March 31, 2016 at 5:11 am
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    This was so funny! The disorder and challenging Lady Catherine. I second zanji’s statement of missing Mr. Elliot and will add his eldest daughter should have been there too. Brava, dear lady. Very well written. What a great start to my day.

    1. Glad I could be a part of your day, Deborah! Sounds like I’ll have to write an expanded version of this story to include a longer list of baddies. This was fun to write, so I may just do that if I put together a short story collection like I plan.

  1. This was such an enjoyable read, Shannon!! I really enjoyed having the Badies all in one place doing their evil plotting. Well done, you!

    1. Thanks, Monica! Glad you liked it. 🙂

  2. Very funny! But where is the baddest of the bad — Lady Susan Vernon? Robbing a bank? Or was she in the back, taking notes, and preparing for a coup d’état?

    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Jack. As I told Deborah above, I might just write an expanded version someday so that I can include anybody I didn’t have room for this time. I’ll be sure to put Lady Susan on my list!

    • Carole in Canada on March 31, 2016 at 10:04 am
    • Reply

    Sooo…Lady Catherine has a paramour? Do tell….

    That was so much fun Shannon! Thank you!

    1. It’s true, Carole! I think it’s the result of the personal ad I wrote for her on my blog: http://shannonwinslow.com/2015/08/25/p-p-personal-ads/

    • Stephanie L on March 31, 2016 at 11:11 am
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    Henry and Lucy sneaking out…*snort* Funny stuff this morning Shannon!

    1. Teehee!

    • Meg on March 31, 2016 at 11:38 am
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    Expanded version please! What a fun installment to end March Madness. The characters were spot on which is something that I always enjoy yet the twist made the reader want more.

    1. Thank so much, Meg! Yes, sounds like an expanded story is in order. 🙂

    • Janelle Wintersteen on March 31, 2016 at 11:50 am
    • Reply

    I do not think that Lucy would want to be called by anything but her married name. And what about her husband, Robert Ferrars? Do we blame the woman and not the man? I doubt that Jane Austen would appreciate it. And one wants female villains, lets not forget Robert’s mother and sister.

    1. Hi, Janelle. I probably wasn’t clear about the fact that this meeting takes place BEFORE these characters’ stories unfold, when they first receive their assigned roles for how to foul things up (of course we know they don’t succeed!). So Lucy Steele is still Lucy Steele. Not sure what you mean by blaming the woman, though. And, yes, there are more villains than I had room to mention in this short piece. By popular demand, I will have to write a longer short story! 🙂

        • Janelle Wintersteen on March 31, 2016 at 12:18 pm
        • Reply

        I think Robert Ferrars is a vain, narcicistic opportunitist, who can be lead around by the nose by anyone who chooses to do. Lucy Steele offered him the only thing his mother and sister couldn’t bestow on him and it worked. Jane Austen has a keen sense of power in relationships. I feel she would not call a wife a villain without including the husband. Like calls to like. Robert Ferrars married his mother and sister in Lucy Steele.Look, I am coming accross as critical. I am sorry. But i do advice you to include Robert Ferrars by name in your extended version, and not just his wife. That would make it less easy for her to sneak off with Henry Crawford, I know, but they can both still be themselves.

        1. I consider this just a bit of fluff, but I am very aware in my more serious work of being true to Austen’s characters and tone. Thanks for your comments, Janelle!

  3. The best part was Henry and Lucy sneaking out…LOL!! Thanks for the fun and laughs this morning–much needed before I teach classes on the MLA research paper…. 😉

    Warmly,
    Susanne 🙂

    1. I’m pleased I could start your day off with a laugh, Susanne! BTW, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, every time I type the name “Barrett” in my work-in-progress. 😉

    • Gwyn on March 31, 2016 at 12:44 pm
    • Reply

    Right out of Thursday Next! Very clever. 🙂

    1. Hi, Gwyn. I didn’t understand your reference (Thursday Next), so I had to look it up. Now I’m intrigued! Sounds like a lot of fun. Thanks for the tip. 😀

        • Gwyn on April 2, 2016 at 11:56 pm
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        Thursday Next makes me laugh outloud. An AU critiquing all things British written by a crazy Welshman. What could be better?! If you like Douglas Adams’ “Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” you might like Jasper Fforde.

        1. Yes! I’m sure I will. I have 2 of the books on order at the library already and I’m excited to see what they’re all about, especially since what I wrote reminded you of them. I wonder if I’ll be able to recognize what you meant by that?

    • Carol on March 31, 2016 at 3:37 pm
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    Enjoyed this very much. Too bad when arguments rose in the “baddies meeting,” they didn’t all shoot each other! No more baddies! Yeah!!!

    1. Haha! Yes, but then what kind of stories would we have? More peaceful but less interesting. Thanks for commenting, Carol, and I’m glad you enjoyed the piece!

    • Julie on March 31, 2016 at 4:16 pm
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    Oh, this is clever! Just what we expect from you, of course! I love the idea of them “organizing” like this – must be where the Mafia got the idea, right? Great pick-me-up!

    1. Organized crime? Oh, my, Julie! I didn’t mean to take it that far. Although, from the way they behaved, this group is more like DIS-organized crime. Figured that’s part of the reason they all failed their sabotage missions in the end. As we know, true love and happy endings win out in all JA’s novels. 😀

    • Glynis on April 1, 2016 at 2:40 am
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    What a lovely bunch of people!!! (not) It’s a pity they didn’t seem to be served refreshments as they could all have been poisoned in one go and at least have had the discomfort of that as punishment for such evil machinations 😊

  4. Hi, Glynis. You and Carol above are thinking along the same lines. I have killed off a couple of these baddies in my books but hadn’t thought of taking them all out at once! I have a strict 2-body limit per book. Apparently you feel no such restraints. Haha!

    • Kari Singh on April 1, 2016 at 2:27 pm
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    This Mr. Collins instant brought me in mind of Renfield in “Love at First Bite”, which made it even more funny for me. Stooped over, rubbing his hands together, and looking lovingly at the boss…until a tasty fly comes into vision. :). Thanks for the funny again today.

    1. Haha! That’s quite a picture. Adds another dimension to Mr C. Glad it tickled your funny bone, Kari!

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