March Madness — PerfectLizzy® Meets Her Match by Jack Caldwell

Have you ever wanted to read how a conversation would go between Darcy and Captain Wentworth? Have you ever wished Caroline Bingley might make the acquaintance of Sir Walter Elliot? Have you ever thought Mrs. Norris and Lady Catherine could be best buds? Then you’ll love March Madness where we combine characters from Jane Austen’s books in way you may not have imagined or in ways you may have hoped. Find a comfy chair, grab a cuppa and a few biscuits, and join us for the fun!

WARNING — It is highly recommended that readers of this post are sitting down and consuming no food or drink while doing so. The Author assumes no responsibility for damage to keyboards or screens that may occur. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


A CLEARING IN THE WOODS IN SUMMER. TREES ARCH OVER THE SPACE LIKE A CATHEDRAL. A STONE BENCH OVERLOOKS A SMALL, PICTURESQUE VALLEY.

ELIZABETH “LIZZY” BENNET sits impatiently on the bench. She wears a yellow dress and a white bonnet. She removes a small watch from her reticule.

LIZZY
He is late! My goodness, Mr. Darcy is NEVER late!
I hope no misfortune has occurred, even though misfortune seems to follow him about.

There is the noise of steps along a leaf-strewn path.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, is that you?

FITZWILLIAM DARCY enters. He is wearing a green coat over a white shirt and cravat, and buff trousers tucked into gleaming black boots.

DARCY
(tipping his hat)
Good afternoon, Miss Bennet.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, we are an engaged couple. You may call me Lizzy.

DARCY
Are we?

LIZZY
Are we what? Mr. Darcy, I do not know what you mean.

DARCY
Forgive me. I meant to ask, are we an engaged couple?

LIZZY
Why, certainly—

DARCY
(interrupting)
Did you not call it off—again?

LIZZY
Oh, that! A mere formality. Mr. Darcy, you must follow my example
and remember the past as it gives you pleasure.

DARCY
A rather unique ability, madam. I confess I do not possess it.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, you should not argue with me if we are
to have the happiest of marriages.

DARCY
A happy marriage is my greatest desire.

LIZZY
It is well we are of like minds about that.

DARCY
We are not of like minds when it comes to remembrance of the past.
Thoughts and memories intrude that ought not—cannot, must not—be forgotten.

LIZZY
Then you must remember that we cannot have the
happiest of marriages until you propose to me.

DARCY
Again.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, you are starting to become tiresome!
I would suggest making a lovely proposal very soon,
or I shall be vexed and refuse you until you apologize.

DARCY
What proposal would it be? The sixth? Seventh?

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, I am waiting.

DARCY
I spoke of memories that intrude. Those previous proposals, for example.

LIZZY
Your first one—the one at Hunsford—was perfectly dreadful.

DARCY
Yes, you turned me down because of Mr. Wickham’s tales.

LIZZY
I must say your memory is rather faulty, Mr. Darcy!
As I recall, you also insulted my family and were instrumental
in separating my dear sister Jane from Mr. Bingley.

DARCY
Yes. By the way, I saw the Bingleys recently. Jane sends you her love.

LIZZY
Ah, Jane! So happy with her Bingley!

DARCY
As I recall, I corrected my mistake with Bingley and your sister,
apologized to you for my words about your family,
and bribed Wickham to marry your ruined sister Lydia.

LIZZY
You also improved your manners, sir.

DARCY
Thank you. I have taken your criticisms to heart and labored to improve myself.

LIZZY
Well, now that that is settled, should you not be getting on with—?

DARCY
And your own improvements, madam?

LIZZY
Improvements? Do you believe I need improvement, sir?

DARCY
None of us are perfect.

LIZZY
(laughing)
But I am! I am PerfectLizzy®!
Nothing happens that is totally my fault!

DARCY
So it seems.

LIZZY
I am waiting for that proposal, Mr. Darcy.

DARCY
I must admit I am curious about something.
I have successfully proposed many times to you,
yet you later find cause to cry off.

LIZZY
There you go again, remembering unpleasant matters.

DARCY
I was wondering if there was a fixed number of proposals in your mind,
or if you are likely to once again change your mind.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy! If you recall, I had cause to cry off!

DARCY
I must ask you to recount them for me.

LIZZY
Very well, if you wish. But I must warn you, sir,
that this will not put me into a good humor to accept your proposal!

DARCY
That I understand. But I require it of your justice.

LIZZY
Let me see. I called off our marriage because of your affair with Caroline Bingley.

DARCY
Yes. But I had no affair with Caroline Bingley.

LIZZY
That is why I took you back.

DARCY
Please be so kind as to remind me who told you
of my non-existent affair with Caroline Bingley.

LIZZY
It was Mr. Wickham.

DARCY
My enemy, Mr. Wickham.

LIZZY
But Miss Bingley did not deny it!

DARCY
The same Miss Bingley who would say anything to break
our betrothal so that she might force me to marry her.

LIZZY
Yes, that Miss Bingley.

DARCY
Fortunately, I was able to prove my innocence to your satisfaction.

LIZZY
But then, you abandoned me for Lady Catherine!

DARCY
Indeed, madam, it was your idea for me to go to Rosings.
I was to “patch up things” with my Aunt Catherine is what I recall you saying.

LIZZY
Disagreements within the family are so disagreeable!

DARCY
That is true.

LIZZY
You were gone a month complete without a word to me.
And then, that announcement in the paper that you were to marry Miss de Bourgh!
Oh, I was devastated!

DARCY
Certainly. Of course, it never occurred to you that Lady Catherine had intercepted my letters,
locked me in the basement of Rosings, and sent a false report to the London newspapers.

LIZZY
I was so relieved when the truth was revealed.

DARCY
It took me all of that month to dig my way out of Rosings, using nothing but my bare hands.
I had to take one of my aunt’s horses to make my escape.
By the time I reached my house in London, there was your letter,
ending our engagement.

LIZZY
I could not be engaged to a man engaged to another! That is bigamy!

DARCY
I was never engaged to Anne de Bourgh.

LIZZY
I did not know it at that time. I was overjoyed to learn that you were not.

DARCY
Then there was the ball hosted by the Matlocks—

LIZZY
Pray do not mention that night to me again! It was horrible!

DARCY
I advised you not to pay any attention to Lord Blackmore.

LIZZY
You ordered me not to talk to Lord Blackmore!

DARCY
I stand corrected. I was looking out for you best interests.

LIZZY
You jealously demanded I ignore a charming, handsome, and amusing gentleman.
I could not marry a jealous man.

DARCY
I tried to protect you from a notorious seducer.

LIZZY
I had no idea what he had in mind when he escorted me to the balcony.

DARCY
I tried to tell you, but you would not listen.

LIZZY
There you go again, remembering unpleasant matters.
Besides, why would your uncle the earl invite such a scoundrel to his house?

DARCY
Politics make strange bedfellows. Lord Blackmore was an ally of Lord Matlock in the House of Lords.

LIZZY
Your assistance was most timely.

DARCY
Thank you. You should know my uncle has cut all ties with Lord Blackmore.

LIZZY
Pray convey my thanks to his lordship.

DARCY
I shall. Of course, then there was the matter of you being kidnapped by that Russian count.

LIZZY
I did not end our engagement over that!

DARCY
No, just almost my life.

LIZZY
Thank goodness you are so skilled with the blade!

DARCY
I have had much time for practice. It helps calm the nerves
when I am under passionate feelings of rejection.

LIZZY
Excuse me, sir, but I did not intend to be kidnapped by a Russian count!

DARCY
I tried to warn you about him as well.

LIZZY
In my mind, you were being jealous, again.
Besides, I thought he was interested in Miss Bingley.

DARCY
It is apparent that he was not.

LIZZY
I cannot help it if I am so irresistible.
You suffered no lasting harm, did you?

DARCY
I am well. I cannot ever enter Russia, as there is a death warrant against me,
but as I have no desire to travel to Russia, it is of little concern.
Unfortunately, this was not the end of our misunderstandings.

LIZZY
What was I to think when a young woman presented herself at my
Uncle Gardiner’s house with a young child she claimed was yours?

DARCY
Mr. Gardiner did not believe her for a moment.

LIZZY
That is because he did not see her with my tender woman’s heart!
And when Mr. Wickham verified her claim—!

DARCY
Mr. Wickham, again.

LIZZY
You said yourself that Mr. Wickham was particularly good at deceiving people.

DARCY
You seem to be particularly vulnerable to his persuasion,
given what you know about the man.

LIZZY
I could not at the time see he had anything to gain by telling me such a false story!

DARCY
Besides ruining my happiness? If you recall, the young woman
wanted thirty thousand pounds for the upbringing of the child.

LIZZY
It is only right for a gentleman provide for all his offspring, legitimate or natural.

DARCY
You did not wish to be married to such a gentleman.

LIZZY
To live forever with a man that had a child outside of marriage!
Every proper feeling revolts!

DARCY
It never occurred to you that the child was actually Wickham’s,
and the two wanted to pass him off as mine and
extort the funds from my soon-to-be wife.

LIZZY
No, never.

DARCY
Even though thirty thousand pounds was exactly the amount
of my sister Georgiana’s dowry, the dowry Wickham
tried to acquire by attempting to elope with my sister.

LIZZY
What a terrible man Mr. Wickham is.

DARCY
Undoubtedly.

LIZZY
My poor sister Lydia.

DARCY
It must comfort you to know that Mrs. Wickham had no idea of the plot.

LIZZY
It does, although she was stupid enough to run off with Mr. Wickham in the first place.

DARCY
Undoubtedly.

LIZZY
Well, now that Mr. Wickham’s latest plot has been exposed for the wicked lie it was,
I am now prepared to take you back, accept your proposal, and live as the happiest woman alive.

DARCY
I see. I believe there is someone here you should meet.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy! You brought an audience for your proposal?

DARCY
A moment and all will be made clear to you.
(He calls out into the woods)
My dear, will you come here?

Two people enter: a pretty young woman, wearing a fashionable wife’s cap, and a handsome gentleman. Darcy takes the lady’s hand.

DARCY
Miss Bennet, may I introduce to you my wife,
the former Elinor Dashwood? My dear, Miss Bennet.

MRS. DARCY
How do you do, Miss Bennet. My husband has spoken of you.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, I do not like your jokes.

DARCY
Miss Bennet, this is no joke. After our last…misunderstanding,
it became clear to me that not only do you not trust me,
you will never fully trust me.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, what do you mean? A woman’s heart is fragile.
It is always in danger of something intruding on the owner’s happiness!
You cannot expect me not to take the threats to my future seriously!

DARCY
In each one of these…intrusions on your happiness,
you could have talked to me.

LIZZY
Talk to you? Impossible! It is too mortifying!

DARCY
As I surmised. Miss Bennet, all my life I desired a kind and intelligent
lady to share my thoughts, secrets, and cares. Someone to love and to love me.
She would put all her trust in me, as I would in her. She would be the mistress of my house,
mother to my children, and most importantly, my deepest friend and confidant.
We would live in peace and quiet, far from the madding crowd.

Since our last incident, I was happy enough in town to meet a lady that not only
filled those requirements but desired the same with me.
Elinor and I were married not two days ago by special license
and are now headed for Pemberley. Our stay there will be of some duration.

LIZZY
Mr. Darcy, you are serious? You are married to this lady?

MRS. DARCY
Indeed we are, Miss Bennet. Ours was a whirlwind courtship,
but I have no fears of the future. Our two souls are so alike
I have no doubt as to our forthcoming happiness.
I wish you to find the same happiness for yourself.

LIZZY
How can I? Mr. Darcy, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

DARCY
I would be lying if I denied a part of me wishes to say,
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

MRS. DARCY
Fitzwilliam!

DARCY
Sorry, my dear. In any case, Miss Bennet, I have here a solution to your dilemma.
Here with us is an upstanding young man, moral and learned.
However, he owns not the willful pride I have. In fact, he is not willful at all.
Allow me to introduce to your acquaintance Mr. Ferrars.

FERRARS
How do you do, Miss Bennet?

DARCY
I hope you will believe me that Mr. Ferrars would make you a capital husband.
True he is not rich, but you yourself said my fortune meant nothing to you.
He enjoys the countryside and long walks, is very well read, and is incredibly loyal.
Once he gives his word, it is unbreakable.

Mr. Ferrars plans to take orders. I know how close you are to your father, Miss Bennet.
Allow me to make a different sort of proposal than you were expecting,
but one you might find as agreeable. I can use my influence with the Archbishop
to have the rector of Meryton provided with another situation,
so that he may give up his place here in favor of Mr. Ferrars.
That way, should you marry you will live comfortably near all your friends.
If Meryton is too close to certain of your…acquaintances,
another parish can be found that would suit your requirements.

LIZZY
But…I do not know Mr. Ferrars.

DARCY
That is understandable. Please know that my offer is open-ended.
I do, at the bottom of my heart, wish you all happiness.

(DARCY lowers his voice)
There is one last thing you should know, Miss Bennet.
Mr. Ferrars is as fine a man as can be found, but he is far more…tractable than I.
In this, he is more like Bingley. He is not subject to willful demands of his family, never fear.
But I think he would do just about anything to ensure the happiness of his wife.
Give the man a chance, will you?

LIZZY
I…I suppose so…

DARCY
Excellent! Let us shake hands and call it a bargain, eh?

(They shake hands)

DARCY
Well, Elinor, let us be off! Pemberley awaits!

MRS. DARCY
Goodbye, Miss Bennet! Goodbye, Edward!

Darcy and Mrs. Darcy leave. Lizzy and Mr. Ferrars look at one another.

LIZZY
Well…that was certainly unexpected!

FERRARS
Indeed. By the way, my name is Edward.

LIZZY
Edward Ferrars.
(She smiles.)
My uncle’s name is Edward.

FERRARS
May I take it you find it an agreeable name, Miss Bennet?

LIZZY
I do. How like you the name of Elizabeth?

FERRARS
I believe I can learn to like it very well.

LIZZY
Indeed. And what is your opinion of dancing?

FERRARS
I like it of all things, as long as you do.

LIZZY
Edward, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

 THE END


Y’all can hate me below:

49 comments

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    • Hollis on March 23, 2016 at 1:11 am
    • Reply

    I could see Darcy getting tired of Lizzy’s intransigence, great story, Jack.

    1. This piece was a LONG time coming! Thanks for weighing in!

    • Sophia on March 23, 2016 at 4:16 am
    • Reply

    Okay…….
    What the hell was that?! Elinor and Darcy what kind of stupid joke is that? And Lizzie and Ferrars that is just WRONG! Even if I can see why Darcy would get tired of Elizabeth’s continued habit of believing Wickham and ended their betrothal several times!
    But a good twist though I sincerely hope that it was for the humour of it all! Well written Jack!

    1. What the hell was this? I’ll never say, but only to protect the guilty. THEY know who they are! Bruhahaha!

  1. Lots of fun, Jack!!

    1. It was fun to write! Thanks!

    • Carol on March 23, 2016 at 5:56 am
    • Reply

    Funny, but oh so sad. I can see Darcy getting tired of all Elizabeth’s starts and stops, but really! Was humorous and great writing by the way.

    1. Sad? I don’t think so. Darcy gets a kind, intelligent, trusting, loyal, and loving wife and Lizzy gets a guy she can push around. Seems like a win-win. Thanks for reading!

  2. This is well spoken. Darcy was able to one up Lizzy. I liked Darcy better than Lizzy. She was wishy washy. The originals would not have allowed this to occur. Nicely done. Cannot condone these matches, but it March Madness.

    1. Well, the original Lizzy wouldn’t always be Wickham’s &/or Caroline’s victim, either. She’d take Darcy at his word. Again, I’m protecting the guilty. Thanks for commenting!

    • Maureen C on March 23, 2016 at 6:34 am
    • Reply

    I found this very funny. PerfectLizzy was so annoying I am glad Darcy found another. I kind of feel sorry for Edward though. Thanks for the smile this morning!:)

    1. Y’know, I feel sorry for Edward, too. Thanks!

  3. Oh my. The Darcys I can see, it could work. I wonder, though, how long it would take for Lizzy to tire of having Edward run to her for permission to breathe, etc.

    1. The bloom will fade from that rose pretty soon… Thanks!

    • Carol hoyt on March 23, 2016 at 9:45 am
    • Reply

    As knightly said, “badly done, jack. Badly done!”

    It was fun but , really????

    1. Beware the PerfectLizzy®!

  4. That must have felt good to get that out of your system.

    1. I see you know of what I speak. Thanks, buddy!

    • Sheila L. M. on March 23, 2016 at 12:46 pm
    • Reply

    I was laughing from the “get-go” warning about not eating nor drinking while reading this. Great comedy and so well written! Thanks.

    1. I’m dangerous that way.

    • Glynis on March 23, 2016 at 12:52 pm
    • Reply

    Noooooo! You can’t have Darcy with anyone else but Elizabeth! (mind you this was nothing like Elizabeth so I think you got the name wrong) please don’t make this mistake again or I will be seriously displeased 😞 you must know the saying – you can’t have true proficiency unless you practice 😊

    1. As long as Elizabeth is Elizabeth and not PerfectLizzy®, you have nothing to worry about. And I don’t write PerfectLizzy® in my novels. Just sayin…

    • Deborah on March 23, 2016 at 1:41 pm
    • Reply

    This was a hoot! Can’t say I blame Darcy in this case. Glad you warned me to not be eating or drinking when I read this. Lizzy meeting Mrs. Darcy would’ve ended my laptop’s life.

    1. Always trust the Cajun Cheesehead.

  5. I found “PerfectLizzy(R)” to be annoying beyond belief, especially in placing all the blame on Mr. Darcy and accepting none for herself. It sounds as if not everything was Lizzy’s fault–such as the incident at Rosings–but as Darcy noted, she should have addressed all of her concerns with him as a precursor to a happy marriage between equals of mind, heart, and soul.

    Darcy was quite justified in running off with Elinor, and now PerfectLizzy(R) can order Edward Ferrars around all she wants. Good for Darcy!!

    You know what? PerfectLizzy (R) reminds me quite strongly of…Emma. 😛 (I have never liked Emma; she annoys me to no end and Mr. Knightley was far too good for her…

    …just as Darcy is too good for PerfectLizzy(R).

    Thank you for a very entertaining scene, Jack!! Loved it!!

    Warmly,
    Susanne 🙂

    1. I haven’t thought of the Emma angle, but…

      Anyone who has read THE THREE COLONELS knows that I believe that Jane Austen’s characters know each other. For some reason, my muse thinks that few of them would be friends with Emma.

      You know things are tough when a reformed Lady Caroline Bingley Buford has more friends than Mrs. Emma Woodhouse Knightley!

      Thanks for the thought, Susanne.

        • Agnes on March 25, 2016 at 2:59 am
        • Reply

        Poor Emma. One could give her at least as much chance to grow up as canon Caroline gets in fanfiction- especially as Emma has far more redeeming traits than Miss Bingley.

        1. Actually, I do allow Emma to grow in my books, but you’ll have to read my CRESCENT CITY trilogy to see how I did that.

            • Agnes on March 25, 2016 at 7:02 pm
            • Reply

            Very true! I’d forgotten about that, focusing on Regency as I did. Still, I’m sorry for Regency Emma being excluded from the comforting and loyal bunch of friends the other Austen heroines form in T3C. I guess I’m softer than you…

    • Anji on March 23, 2016 at 4:52 pm
    • Reply

    Oh myyy! I guess I’d have to get in line to slap PerfectLizzy® then? She was sooo annoying! Like Susanne says above, she reminds me of Emma a bit as well, possibly mixed in with a bit of Lydia’s childish selfishness.

    Alrhough I don’t ususally like D & E ending up with anyone else, I definitely had a few chuckles at this Jack, as well as a *What!!!* moment at the revelation of Darcy’s marriage.

    Thanks for entertaining us today!

    1. I always enjoy a *What!!!* moment…

      Thanks!

    • Jan S. on March 23, 2016 at 6:15 pm
    • Reply

    Oh, goodness, this was hilarious! I have, unfortunately, encountered PerfectLizzy® much too frequently in JAFF. She is usually accompanied by Doormat Darcy who is only slightly less annoying than Copious Crying Darcy. I’m glad you found Enough-Is-Enough Darcy and that he found Perfectly Acceptable and Agreeable Elinor. Well done!

    1. My work here is done! Thanks, Jan!

    • Margaret Fransen on March 23, 2016 at 9:46 pm
    • Reply

    Hilarious, Jack. I understand what led up to this catharsis–too many paragon Lizzies in JAFF.

    It is ironic that Darcy ends up with Perfect Elinor, who IMO, is truly the only faultless, noble heroine in JA’s canon. I daresay yours will benefit from the superHunsfordizing that Darcy experienced with your Perfectly Exasperating Lizzy.

    Thanks for the chuckle.

    1. Another one who gets it. And I agree that Elinor is — almost — perfect. She requires the least amount of growth of all of Austen’s heroines.

      And hold off, all you Anne Elliot Wentworth fans. Anne did her growing between 1806 and 1814–the time between her refusal of Wentworth and when they met again. It just happened before the events of the story.

      As for the heroes, they ALL grow, too. That’s what makes Austen timeless.

      Thnaks for commenting!

    • EvelynTost on March 24, 2016 at 12:25 am
    • Reply

    What a hoot! Thank you Jack!!

    1. Thank you!

    • Ann Garland on March 24, 2016 at 2:38 am
    • Reply

    I don’t like the story.

    1. That’s why there are so many ice cream flavors. Lots of choices out there. Thanks for reading!

    • Agnes on March 24, 2016 at 9:26 am
    • Reply

    Jack, you are wicked. Thank God Elizabeth is not like this (well, once she’s grown up by the end of the novel – but even before, she wasn’t this bad…) And of course canon Darcy would not last even this long in submitting to the unjust whims of his fiancée. Doormat!Darcy grows a spine!
    I would not like this story for a full-fledged serious one, but for a farce it was hilarious! Thanks!

    P. S. I wonder if an Elinor/Darcy marriage would have really been perfect for them (I can’t really see the sparks and passion and the complementing character traits that help each other grow – which makes the canon Darcy/Elizabeth relationship so uniquely perfect.)

    1. I would NEVER write this as a full-length book. This is more of a protest against those PerfectLizzy® stories out there. I see Elizabeth Darcy more like her husband–very strong and slightly regal–but with that flash of wit we all love.

      There are glimpses of her in THE THREE COLONELS. She makes a cameo appearance in THE LAST ADVENTURE OF THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL. And she and her Darcy co-star in ROSINGS PARK (once I write the blasted thing).

      As for Elinor/Darcy, don’t think that won’t work. It would very nicely. While it might not have the passion of Lizzy/Darcy, there is much to be said for quiet devotion and mutual affection.

        • Agnes on March 24, 2016 at 3:00 pm
        • Reply

        I’m not saying it would not work between *your* choice of couple, just that it would not be the perfect thing that would make them both blossom to their full potential. They both might still be happy together, I can see that.
        What is stopping you from writing the “blasted thing”? Unless, of course, it’s another writing project of yours, in which case you are totally forgiven. As for The Last Adventure, is it ever going to be published? (Sorry, you brought it up!)

        1. THE LAST ADVENTURE OF THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL will be released later this year. Be on the lookout for it!

            • Agnes on March 25, 2016 at 2:54 am
            • Reply

            You made my day with this info. You’re definitely forgiven for delaying the Blasted Unwritten One yet again 🙂

            1. I’m trying! I’m trying!

    • Jennifer Redlarczyk on March 24, 2016 at 2:55 pm
    • Reply

    Lizzy! Lizzy! Whatever happened to you? Did you say March Madness? Oh my, I wonder what April will bring. Hopefully you and Edward will be blissfully happy!

    1. Is PerfectLizzy® ever truly happy?

    • Michelle H on March 25, 2016 at 10:00 pm
    • Reply

    Someone please wake me up from this nightmare! I have loved everything ELSE you have written, but this is an aberration. Seriously Mr Caldwell, you should have saved this for April 1st.

    1. But what’s the fun in that? Surprise is the best weapon! Besides, I’m going to be out of town. Have a Happy Easter!

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