Anniversary Celebration: Revisiting the Charlotte and Mr. Collins

AV anniversary gradientIt’s our anniversary, and we’re in the mood to celebrate! Throughout February, we’re commemorating the success of Austen Variations‘ first year by dropping in on some of our favorite Austen couples on their anniversaries. We started with the Darcys and the Bingleys on the 2nd. Today, we’re visiting the Collinses from Pride and Prejudice. I wonder how they’re doing after twelve months together. Have they found connubial bliss, or is the honeymoon definitely over?



“Charlotte!” called Mr. Collins, slamming the front door and panting as his feet could be heard trotting down the entry.

Startled from her occupation by the commotion, Charlotte Collins’ eyes widened as she peered at the clock on the mantle. One o’clock! He had only left to call on Lady Catherine at half twelve. Why was he home so soon?

“Charlotte!” He hastened into the room and stopped a few paces from where she sat at her escritoire. “There you are!”

She tucked Lizzy’s letter within a Radcliffe novel, and placed a hand to her lower back as she made to awkwardly lift her body, heavy with child, from her chair. “I just finished my note to Maria.” She set her fingers on a letter that rested upon the dark oak. “I intend to walk into Hunsford to post it before I call upon Mrs. Hervey.”

A pleased expression overtook his countenance as he nodded. “You have indeed proven yourself the active, useful sort of gentlewoman Lady Catherine requested I take as my bride. As I told my dear Cousin Elizabeth when she visited last spring, ‘You and I have but one mind and one way of thinking. We seem to have been designed for each other.’”

Charlotte opened her mouth to speak, but before she could utter a word, he began again.

“Of course, my cousin’s aspirations should not have been as high as she wed. Lady Catherine…”

“Speaking of Lady Catherine,” interrupted Charlotte, before he prattled on. “You have returned early from Rosings today. Was Lady Catherine displeased with something?”

He started and began to shake his head with fervour. “Oh no! Her ladyship has been most gracious and bestowed great condescension by instructing me to spend the day with you.” He grasped her hands and held them in his sweaty palms. “She was only displeased that we were apart on our first wedding anniversary.”

Oh no! No! No! No! Charlotte cocked her head a bit and stared. “She what?” she asked faintly. ”But what about Mrs. Hervey?”

He took on a solemn mien and nodded. “I had heard she was grave—very grave indeed, but I am certain she will be fine until the morrow.”

“But, that will not do. Her daughter sent a servant this morning to ensure you would come by today.”

Mr. Collins bobbed his head. “Do not fret so. I will call and condole with the poor woman’s family.”

As she disguised a sigh, she waddled towards the door, picked up his walking stick, and held it out for him. “Perhaps you should go now, and then I will call upon her on the morrow.” Just maybe she could finish Lizzy’s letter before she walked into town!

Mr. Collins took the proffered walking stick and returned it to the corner beside the front door. “You do me credit, my dear, but I intend to visit Mrs. Hervey in the morning.”

He could not truly mean to follow her around, could he? With a smile to herself, she gestured toward the window. “I suppose you have some work in your garden? Or you could check on your bees.”

Her husband tugged her back to the parlour, retrieved her spencer and bonnet, and helped her to don them. “You mentioned posting a letter to your sister, so I will be happy to escort you into town.” His voice lowered as he muttered to himself, “Yes, Lady Catherine will be very pleased.”

Charlotte rolled her eyes, and then batted his hands away when he began to fasten the buttons for her.

“Forgive me. I only meant to be of aid.”

If only his eyes would look up to hers as she spoke, but they remained on her décolletage until it was covered. He offered her his arm, and once he fetched his hat and walking stick, led her down the road towards town, prattling on about Lady Catherine, Anne deBourgh, and Rosings with barely a pause for breath.

After they posted the missive to Maria, Mr. Collins took her to the booksellers where he selected and purchased a copy of Fordyce’s sermons.

“Mr. Collins, you own that volume, do you not?” she asked.

“Indeed, I do. Your memory is as astute as always, my dear.”

When the proprietor handed him the wrapped parcel, he held it out to her. “I thought you would like a copy of your very own. That way, you might consult his great work without the worry of borrowing mine.”

“Thank you.” Charlotte attempted not to display her distaste for the gift. After all, she might not be romantic, but Fordyce?

He led her from the store, and she pointed in the direction of Briarworth. “I should still like to call on Mrs. Hervey.”

“But my dear Charlotte, as much as it grieves me to consider the plight of poor Mrs. Hervey, I was specifically told by Lady Catherine to attend no one but you for the entire day! She will be seriously displeased! Charlotte!”

She set off walking and did not stop at his calls, so her husband followed, his protests not ending until they reached the front gardens of the Hervey estate where she admonished him to be quiet lest the Hervey’s hear him; however, once the housekeeper answered the door, he was all simpering flattery and proclaimed how the great Lady Catherine insisted he condole with them upon that very day.

Charlotte had a reprieve from his attentions while he spoke with Mr. Hervey, Mrs. Hervey’s children, and finally Mrs. Hervey. Their call keptthem at Briarworth for close to an hour before they took their leave.

Mr. Collins did not reprimand his wife for her insistence upon the call as they walked home, but expounded on about how pleased his noble patroness would be. “We were together, which was part of her benevolent instruction. She can find no fault in our call! Indeed, our attentiveness to one of our flock should be most appreciated.

Under the guise of following a bird in flight, Charlotte turned her head so she could roll her eyes. They were not far from the parsonage. She ached to sit and rest; her ankles could not take much more.

No peace could be found, even upon their return home. Once she refreshed herself, she took a seat on the sofa her Radcliffe novel in hand with every intention of finishing Lizzy’s letter, but Mr. Collins entered soon after desirous to read to her from her anniversary gift.

With a start, she awoke as the light from the windows was beginning to dim. A glance to her husband revealed he was still seated beside her, a shocked expression upon his face.

“Please forgive me,” she blurted, wiping the drool from her chin. “I had not intended to fall asleep. The walk into town must have been more tiring than I expected.”

A simpering smile overtook his features as he gave a nod. “I am certain the exertion of carrying our child is to blame. Do not fear, my dear Charlotte. I am by no means upset by your ill-timed nap. I will have to ensure you retire early.”

He placed the book on the side table, stood, and offered her his hand. “Cook has sent word that our dinner is served. We should partake of it before it becomes cold.”

Dinner was a quiet affair—on her part anyway. Mr. Collins prattled on as was his wont for the entirety of the meal, only stopping when there was too much food in his mouth to continue. Then he would swallow and begin again.

After the meal, she anticipated he would wish to adjourn to his study to further prepare his sermon, but he insisted upon playing backgammon until it was time to retire.

Alone at last, Mrs. Collins revelled in the peace and quiet of her chamber as she sat upon her bed, lifted her feet, and sighed at the sight of her painfully swollen ankles. She pulled her legs under the bedclothes and reclined back into the pillows. What a relief a good night’s sleep would bring! Everything would be set to rights on the morrow; it would no longer be her anniversary.

Her eyes closed, and she was just drifting to sleep when a knock sounded from the door to Mr. Collins room.

“Charlotte?”

Oh no! No! No! No!

42 comments

Skip to comment form

    • Kathy Wallace on February 17, 2015 at 12:48 am
    • Reply

    Perhaps Charlotte should have bopped Collins in the noggon with that copy of Fordyce. That would have made her anniversary happier….

    1. Part of her felicity is that they spend so little of the day together. What would she do if he was charged with never leaving her side. I couldn’t resist the temptation!

      Thanks, Kathy!

  1. Poor Charlotte!! I was thinking the same as Kathy above: Charlotte should have bopped him atop the head with Fordyce! Such a romantic anniversary gift, after all…. 😉

    Clueless, clueless, clueless man…..

    Thanks for the rueful laugh!! Poor Charlotte!!

    Warmly,
    Susanne 🙂

    1. I’m glad you had a laugh at Charlotte’s expense! I had several while writing it!

      Thanks, Susanne!

    • Carol on February 17, 2015 at 2:26 am
    • Reply

    Collins is such a twit. Poor Charlotte. She should have used Fordyce book to smack him in the head. As pregnant as she was and tired, hitting him with the book might have knocked some sense into his thick skull so that he wouldn’t have knocked on her door. I realize why women back then had to marry, but this day in age I cannot believe someone would marry such a fool.

    1. She felt a home and being out of her family’s way was more important, I suppose. He would drive me bonkers, which is part of why I wanted to write it this way.

      Thanks, Carol!

    • Jane Odiwe on February 17, 2015 at 2:38 am
    • Reply

    Poor Charlotte-I’ve often wondered if she regretted her haste in marrying Mr Collins! I loved the idea of him following her round all day-thank you, Leslie, for an amusing post.

    1. I’ve often wondered the same thing, and I admit that it got the muse going with this one. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks, Jane!

    • Deborah on February 17, 2015 at 6:18 am
    • Reply

    I loved this. I can just picture Collins following poor Charlotte around. “Oh no! No! No! No!”, had me laughing out loud. I felt like I was a fly on the wall. I agree with everyone else that she should’ve lobbed him on the head with Fordyce’s Sermons; how romantic (dripping with sarcasm). At least it’s another 365 days before her next anniversary. I agree with Jane…I wonder if she ended up regretting her marriage. Thanks for a humorous read at Charlotte’s expense.

    1. I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I had a wonderful time picturing him following her and grovelling. Maybe for their second anniversary she can knock him upside the head with the book.

      Thanks, Deborah!

  2. Oh my, poor Charlotte, indeed. Heavy with his child, and he wants more of her time! He really is a dunderhead.

    1. He is! I could never imagine marrying someone like him.

      Thanks, Patty!

    • Wendy Roberts on February 17, 2015 at 9:00 am
    • Reply

    *shudders* Poor Charlotte! At least their anniversary comes only once a year! Unless……Lady Catherine decides that he should be attentive during holidays as well! Oh, the horror!!!

    1. Nah! I see Lady C as only pushing that on their anniversary. She would think it her place to advise him on how to be a good husband. After all, she is celebrated for her frankness!

      Thanks, Wendy!

    • Jennifer Redlarczyk on February 17, 2015 at 10:24 am
    • Reply

    Leslie, that was so funny! Poor, poor Charlotte. You night know that Lady Cat would get her way in the end. I don’t know how she can endure him when he is around, let alone the bedroom. Great fun! Thanks, Jen

    1. I’m so glad it gave you a laugh, Jen! Since Charlotte probably gets by due to minimal contact with her husband, I would imagine this was the anniversary from her nightmares.

      Thanks!

    • Hollis on February 17, 2015 at 11:27 am
    • Reply

    There is a phrase from the southern states of the US that covers a multitude of sins – it can be sincere, loving, mocking, sarcastic or what you will. I don’t think I have ever heard anyone else use it but it is ” well, bless your/his/her heart”.

    Well, bless Mr. Collins’ heart for being so solicitous of Charlotte

    1. I know that phrase well! In the U.K., they say “Bless her” or “Bless him” quite often. Mr Collins did try pretty hard. Of course, it’s hard to ignore Lady C!

      Thanks, Hollis!

  3. What fun, in a gruesomely painful sort of way, that is!
    I think Charlotte will send him back to his own room, though. She has had a year to learn how to master him, and her advanced pregnancy should afford her some protection!

    1. Oh, I agree about sending him back to his room, however, that mid-afternoon nap might be his excuse to stay.

      Thanks, Shannon!

  4. Oh, Leslie, you have quite the comic turn! Poor Charlotte. I hope she tells him Lady Catherine’s doctor says she mustn’t, mmm, well, so late in pregnancy!

    1. Oh, I would if I was her!

      Thanks, Abigail!

    • Carol Settlage on February 17, 2015 at 1:14 pm
    • Reply

    Well done, Ms. Diamond! I knew this would be an “interesting” anniversary, and I do believe you’ve gotten it just right! 🙂 I too agree with the above recommendations for use of Fordyce’s and her late pregnancy… Also, I know Shannon Winslow has come up with a good solution… as the result of his love of talking and eating! But guess it was not to be this day.

    Thank you all for these most delightful posts! So, who is next??

    1. Jack Caldwell is next on Thursday with Fanny and Edmund Bertram. We’ll see you then!

      Thanks so much, Carol!

    • Carol hoyt on February 17, 2015 at 1:26 pm
    • Reply

    Poor Charlotte ! He would drive me two walls !!!
    An interesting look through their window !

    1. Thanks, Carol!

    • Kathy L Berlin on February 17, 2015 at 1:43 pm
    • Reply

    I had to chuckle. Surely she could manage him better than that? Consider her condition!

    1. I think she’s too tired to take charge too much. Thanks, Kathy!

  5. Ah yes, a moment of peace and quiet, but it was not to be. 😉

    Fun story!

    1. Thanks, Sophia Rose!

    • Julie on February 17, 2015 at 3:32 pm
    • Reply

    Hahahahaha! I have to admit, that I’ve always thought this was exactly what their marriage would be like! Poor Charlotte, but she DID make her bed… now she must lie in it. Hopefully, she’ll be too tired to entertain him long, and after she feigns sleep, he will tiptoe away…

    1. I’d feign a headache, backache, whatever it took! Thanks, Julie!

    • Kathy on February 17, 2015 at 4:50 pm
    • Reply

    Oh boy, the tedium of being married to Mr. Collins. I think you captured it perfectly! Leave it to Lady C to provide the most unhelpful advice, that would be the most irritating (“Spend time with your wife on your anniversary!”). Lady C must have had other important engagements that day! Luckily Charlotte will soon be occupied with raising their offspring, and have even less time to spend with her tiresome husband. I wonder whether she lives a little vicariously through Lizzy’s letters?

    1. Just as long as the offspring are not like him! LOL! Thanks, Kathy!

    • Anji on February 17, 2015 at 7:08 pm
    • Reply

    Leslie, I’m taking the quote you used: “You and I have but one mind and one way of thinking” and using it to refer to how many of us had the same thought about what Charlotte *ought* to have done with Fordyce’s Sermons. It was the first thing that came to my mind as I read your lovely, funny piece and I couldn’t believe it then as I read one comment after another suggesting the very same!

    I’m also seeing him doing the “Mr. Collins Wave” as per P&P 1995, whenever he caught her eye across a room!

    One thought though. Would Lady C. approve of the extravagance of having TWO copies of the same book in their household?

    1. I hadn’t expected everyone to want to hit him over the head. OH! And that wave! That is one of the images in my mind when I think of him. Ewwww! LOL! Thanks, Anji!

    • EvelynTost on February 18, 2015 at 1:36 am
    • Reply

    LOL That was so funny, of course in kind of a perverse sort of way for poor Charlotte!! At times like those, do you think she might have to keep repeating to herself over and over and over again why she took this path to help her family? And I agree that she may have to live vicariously through Lizzy’s letters, or perhaps imagine an escape to Pemberly asap!

    1. I thought of Lizzy’s letters as being rather frowned upon since her marriage to Darcy, so she hides them and her responses from her husband. He’s usually doing his own thing, which makes it rather easy. Thanks, Evelyn!

    • BeckyC on February 18, 2015 at 9:43 am
    • Reply

    Charlotte knew what she was getting into marrying Collins. What was she thinking? Lol. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe. Eewww!

    1. Well, he makes me cringe, but I think her entire coping strategy revolves around avoiding time spent with him. That day would have been something out of one of her nightmares! Thanks, BeckyC!

  6. Thank you for this! It was so wonderfully vivid I felt as if I were Charlotte enduring the impossible Mr.Collins.
    Very enjoyable!

    1. Thanks so much!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.